Things I say 800,000 times a day

Things I say 800,000 times a day:

1.       “Eight hundred thousand” - Why? Shit idk... Who knows why I do things…

2.       “STOP SCRATCHING!” - My poor baby has terrible eczema and despises lotion so his skin is always crazy inflamed… AND HE NEVER STOPS SCRATCHING!!! EVER!!!

3.       “You need some lotion. Did you put on your lotion? You need more lotion. Do I need to put on your lotion? I swear to God if you don’t put on your lotion I’m going to make you take a bath in it! GET OVER HERE! I’M GOING TO PUT ON YOUR LOTION!” – Don’t be jealous.

4.       “Holy crapballs!”- I just like the way it rolls off the tongue… it’s awesome… Say it with me… HOLY CRAPBALLS! Now wasn’t that fun?

5.       “I’m going to punch you in the face.” – Well some people just need me to punch them in the face. Don’t blame me…blame the fucktards that need the face punching…

6.       “Fucktard” – Cuz it’s a wonderful variation of my favorite word and sometimes people are fucktards.

7.       “Fuck” – Cuz fuck you, that’s why.

8.       “I’m gonna throat punch you!” – Once again… It’s not my fault. Sometimes people need to be throat punched.

9.       “Seriously?” – Cuz surely you’re kidding me with that bullshit… SERIOUSLY!

10.   “It’s naptime.” – Well…cuz it’s fucking naptime! DUR!

11.   “OMG!” – It’s just efficient and I mean really… OHEMGEE!

12.   “I wanna set that fucktard on fire!” – This is reserved for the most heinous of fucktards. Very few people evoke the desire to cast them into a fiery death but it certainly happens and quite possible 800,000 times a day (slight exaggeration).  

13.   “REALLY???” – Variation of “Seriously??” because I like to mix it up…

14.   “Get in the bathtub.” -  This most often precedes “Did you put on your lotion” and is repeated nearly as many times… once again… Don’t be jealous.

15.   “WHATTHEFUCK???”- Because for some crazy reason I am still astounded by peoples’ stupidity…

16.   “I freaking love that shit” – Cuz I actually do like a few things. It’s hardly ever the shit other people like but whatev… When I do like shit I “FREAKING” love it cuz well, it’s just more fun to throw around words like “freaking” and “fucking” but I try not to fucking overuse “fuck”. Some people are just fucking pussies about that shit! Hehehe…. I really do have a potty mouth huh? Oh well…

I just thought I’d share some of my everyday vernacular. Feel free to adopt some of my “Shawnisms”. Trust me…people fucking love that shit!

The Grinch Bitch

Christmas…. Why do we hate it?

I know it’s not really politically correct to admit it but most of us dread Christmas… don’t lie! I know you do. I mean, yeah… we “get” to go to parties and crap but ...UGH! People hardly ever get embarrasingly shitty at those things anymore... What's the fun in that? Fess up… its obligatory "Cheer and Merriment". And it’s super fun to find the money in your budget for all those extra guests… What's not to love about THAT?  Gee… I wonder what so-and-so’s girlfriend’s kid would want for Christmas… UGH! Why can’t I buy a big ol’ box of wine, slap a bow on that bitch and call it good?

You know what’s worse than regular Christmas? SINGLE Christmas… NOTHING is more miserable than being single on Christmas (well Valentines Day blows some pretty serious chunks but you can just go get hammered with your other single friends and have a good laugh at everyone’s inevitable walk of shame February 15^th…) but Christmas… CHRISTMAS you have to spend with your freaking family! Even if they don’t just come right out and say it you KNOW they are all looking at you sitting all by your lonesome opening your “single” gifts feeling sorry for you.

 “AWWW… poor Shawn… STILL all alone… will anyone EVER love her?”

What if you’re not single? What if you are in a new relationship? How fun are all those “so when are you kids gonna make it legit?” questions? Aren’t those super? Like what EVERY relationship needs for Christmas is awkward discomfort… I mean that’s what I was hoping for anyway….

How about all those damn kids??? Adults you can slide by with a name drawing or White Elephant but those freaking kids always expect shit! What are they contributing to MY Christmas? NOTHING! That’s what! I mean they’re cute and crap but that’s not gonna pay my credit card bill. AND… AND…How about that fat fucker taking all the credit for the shit I bought! I mean…why exactly do we play along with this? I’m working my tail off to make sure that big fatty gets all the credit for these top notch gifts! I can’t wait until I get to tell my kid, “UH…YEAH… all that crap you thought Santa brought… that was me! YOU’RE WELCOME! Now get in the kitchen and open mommy that nice merlot I’ve been saving for just this occasion!”

AND my FAVORITE Christmas tradition is the whole “X-MAS” fiasco. I actually feel guilty for typing “x-mas”. I mean I freaking shorten EVERYTHING else but apparently efficiency is a big fat no-no when it comes to a long ass word like Christmas. REALLY? Do people honestly think that this one short text is going to bring about the fall of Christianity? Is it really going to ruin Christmas? I’m not trying to “take Christ of Christmas”; I’m not taking a stab at any religion… I’m probably driving and texting. How’s about we just chill out a little with that mess? Pretty please?

Well… I don’t actually hate Xmas…er… Christmas… I just get a little cranky sometimes. I’d never actually tell my kid that either…I’m down with him believing in a just a little magic as long as he wants to. I’m pretty sure I’ve never told my mom that I know all about Santa (by that I mean I totally still believe in Santa, mom). I also mostly like my family and nothing makes me happier than watching a kid light up when they open their gifts. The box of wine thing I’m serious about though… I mean isn’t that what everyone wants for Christmas? It’s way better than a bunch of gifts from the Dollar Store right? Hell… I’ll even spring for the “Fancy” boxed wine!

MERRY FREAKING CHRISTMAS BITCHES!

Mullets.. unfortunate hair cut or the root of all evil?

Mullets… WHY???

Can someone please explain to me what on earth is supposed to be attractive about a mullet? I mean… business in the front, party in the back … Got it…

Uh... SHUT UP!

More like: jackass in the front, fucktard in the back…

I feel like mullets are like neck tattoos. You gotta commit. Surely the guy with the tattoo across his neck KNOWS he will be judged solely on his stupid ass tattoo… I’m pretty sure that’s the point. “Yeah… I look like a fucktard but in a “sexy” way”…except without the sexy.

I mean how many women are all like, “Check out that big hunk of man… I wanna braid that fine ass rat’s tail.”?

OR

“DAMN! Now there’s a man that don’t care bout havin’ no class or teeth… HAAAYYYY! I’d let him blacken my eye any day!”

Well…of course I’m making assumptions about the whole teeth thing (and the black eye thing too… whatev) but when I spot a mullet from across the room I pretty much assume the owner is probably missing at least a couple of molars. THAT’S what a mullet says to me… “I cut my own hair and you can bet your sweet ass I ain’t gonna trust no hoity toity dentist around these chompers neither. Toothbrush schmoothbrush”

I know there was a short period of time in the ‘80s when mullets were a socially acceptable “style” but the ‘80s also brought us neon clothes and Boy George… I feel like as fashion era the ‘80s were a ginoromous FAIL.

Aren’t mullets kind of dangerous too? I would think that there is a significant risk that you’re gonna get your hair tangled in the carnival ride you’re running or even get squirrel guts on it while you skin dinner… BLECH… Do they even make “manly” scrunchies? What would they be made of anyway? Tire rubber? Bike chains? IDK…

Let me qualify this by saying that my mother thinks mullets are sexy *hanging my head in shame* and that I know plenty of non- super white trashy, toothless, wife beating mulleteers… (that’s right… they shall heretofore be called “mulleteers”. I sooo enjoy making up words.) I don’t care how freaking sweet, smart and funny you are mullets are NOT attractive. You could even be flippin’ Brad Pitt but throw a mullet on that man and he might as well have maggots crawling out of his nose… ain’t happening.

It should be legal to carry around scissors for the sole purpose of cutting ill advised mullets off of mulleteers. They should even be required by law to thank me for the service. 

Since I’m totally removing mullets as an option I feel like I should make some suggestions for those poor souls that now find themselves in the position of having to find a new, less hideous hairstyle.

May I suggest:

Bald - this look is kinda sexy unless of course your head is fucked up. DO NOT attempt this look with a fucked up head! *I REPEAT! THIS LOOK ONLY WORKS WITH A NORMAL SHAPED HEAD!!!*

Surfer Dude – I personally think its hot when a guy can rock the “shaggy look”… not to be confused with the, “I can’t remember the last time I washed or brushed my hair” look. If you don’t think you can pull this look off you probably can’t. Do us all a favor and don’t bother. Moving along…

Military Man – This really isn’t my favorite look unless of course this haircut is attached to military uniform but I guess not everyone has one of those lying around… This hairstyle is pretty universal and it’s hard to go wrong with it. Just take your happy ass down to the barber and tell them you want it “high and tight” (or whatever the hell it is they say). It’s not really a fashion statement but if your previous hairstyle was a mullet then you are no longer allowed to make fashion statements with your hair. EVER.

If you’re wondering if maybe you need a new hairstyle I have a sure fire test for you. Reach back and touch your neck… if you encounter any hair where your neck should be then I am talking to you. GO NOW. GO GET A FREAKING HAIRCUT! Do not pass go do not collect your food stamps go directly to the barber and get that shit fixed!

Mkay? Thanks.

It'll be fun. You'll like it.

Why the frick do men and women speak two different languages? I mean… it’s not like we are raised in different countries… we all speak “English” yet somehow we never seem to understand one another. What the hell is that exactly?  Is it that we really think so differently that there is no common language to breach the barrier?

I don’t think so. I think that when it comes to relationship type stuff we are all so invested (or not) that any discussion about how the other feels is a personal attack. Even when it’s not… None of us is perfect yet we expect the other to think we are.

~How dare you complain that my laugh is obnoxious??? How do you not think I’m freaking perfect??? Shithead. ~

But in reality are we doing anyone any favors by not trying to understand how the other sees things? Shouldn’t we at least put the effort into seeing things from the other’s perspective? Sometimes we really ARE wrong. Sometimes our adorably charming laugh may sound a little like a hyena having a litter... whatev...Sometimes the person that has to deal with us the most is the first person to notice. I mean… maybe YOU think it’s delightfully cute when you fart right next to me while I’m trying to eat but I wanna puke right on your stinky ass… see… different perspectives.

Or how about when we don’t realize just how much the other person takes on themselves… Sure, there always seems to be enough toothpaste and toilet paper but just how did it get there? Fairies? NOPE… someone went to the store, bought said necessities and placed them right there within reach of the commode. Did you ever think to make sure there was enough paper to wipe your funky ass? Probably not… but someone did. YOU’RE WELCOME.

Most of us don’t really do things for the ones we love because we want a thank you note. We do it because we love the other person and we enjoy taking care of each other. RIGHT??? Ok, that being said sometimes we would still REALLY like to know that you freaking noticed.

~Gee honey, you do so much for me, can I do something to make your life easier too?~

Or…

~Sweetheart, I know you love picking up after me but would you mind if I did some things around the house too? I want to feel like I contribute something besides farting.~

OK… so maaayyybbbeee I’m being a little sarcastic (there’s a first time for everything…). I just wonder why when women say “would you mind helping out a little more” it means, “you’re a lazy piece of shit and you never do anything at all. I hate you”. I mean… I KNOW that’s not what we said and I KNOW that’s not what we meant. How did it turn into that?

Shut up… I’m telling you why!

It’s because we expect the other to think we are perfect. Apparently when we are in a relationship we all turn into saints…flawless, immaculate saints.

Of course I’m not perfect (shhhh, I really am) and it’s possible even I can be wrong. I mean there was that one time I thought I was wrong but it turned out I was mistaken… I wouldn’t really expect anyone to be so blinded by infatuation that they overlooked my flaws. That’s redonkulous! I want to be loved not only in spite of my flaws but even a little because of them. Isn’t that what we all want? For someone to see all of us? The good, the bad, the farty?

Sooooo in conclusion….

I HATE doing laundry. I want YOU to do it. I love you. The end.

Class Reunion... EEK!

Tickets to your high school reunion - $150

Hotel room because you live over an hour away from said reunion- $70 (yeah, I’ m cheap like that)

Finding that most of the pretty, cool, popular chicks in high school are pretty much STILL the pretty, cool, popular chicks- PRICELESS!

*DAMN YOU KARMA! I was really counting on you for that one!*

So I went to my high school reunion this weekend (SHUT UP! I know! It’s really hard to believe I’m old enough for any of that mess). As it turns out I don’t remember 98% of those people. I don’t mean “WOW! That guy is OLD but I would recognize him if he showed me his high school picture kind”… I mean I just don’t remember them EVER. Some of these people went to school with me since kindergarten! There were a few that seemed vaguely familiar but for the most part NOT SO MUCH! It’s kind of disconcerting how little of my school years remained with me.

It’s crazy how I KNOW everything seemed sooooo stinking crucial back then but now it’s just a blur. I didn’t even drink in high school so I feel like I should remember more of it. I mean, I have memories but most of them are just flashes and I’m sure skewed entirely. Wouldn’t it be great if you knew how unimportant high school drama was when you were going through it? Yeah, everyone tells you shit like that but you don’t get it. Turns out 10 years (ok, 20 whatev) later that stuff really didn’t matter but it sure was life or death at 17. Wouldn’t it be fanfreakingtastic if I could have my 17 year old body AND my 3…er…27 year old mind.  It’s kind of natures cruel joke isn’t it? By the time you realize you really do look pretty freaking good and none of the bullshit jealousy we inflict on each other matters it’s too late cuz you suddenly have some middle aged woman’s body and no one cares enough to be jealous.

I guess we all grow up and turn into our parents (or at least some version thereof). I’m sure there are still a few cheerleaders and football stars, I KNOW there are still some band nerds (my absolute fave btw) but in reality we’re all just grown ups now with kids of our own to watch endure the torture that is childhood. I wonder if they’ll listen when we tell them how stupid their drama is and how in 10…er..20 years it won’t matter in the least… Probably not. I’d tell them that all those super pretty, perfect, popular girls will be all raggedy and burnt out when they grow up but it seems as if SOMEBODY lied about that shit!

Oh well…. I guess I have my 30 year reunion to look forward to. Sooner or later those bitches are bound to burn out and start looking as haggard as the rest of the 48 year olds. I’m talking to YOU Karma! Don’t let me down again!

Let's all have a CRAPTASTIC DAY!

For the most part I think I’m a VERY tolerant person (I’m not talking about the “social conscience” kind of tolerant… unless putting up with dumbasses and assholes counts as “social conscience” tolerance). I can handle a fairly large amount of asswipe in my daily environment. I can excuse rudeness and inconsideration most of the time because I’ve convinced myself that for the most part people don’t realize how shitty they are and deep down they're really good people and crap… blah blah blah…

*MOST OF THE TIME*

Today is NOT one of those days…

“WHAT??”, you say??? “But Shawn, you’re ALWAYS so freaking delightful! You NEVER get cranky or lose your temper!”

I know… I know… it’s really hard to believe that anything could perterb me…
*AHEM… shut up before I throat punch you for your insolence!*

BUUUUUT, every once in a while I get pissy. Occasionally I want to throw shit at people and curse their mommas for giving birth to their stupid asses…

SOOOOO… I was thinking it’s only fair to warn people that today might be the day their life may be in jeopardy for being their regular, dipshit, asshole, stupid face selves.

The following is a list of things that normally don’t bother me (too terribly much) but just might send me into a homicidal rage on one of my “cranky days”:

1.       Parking across two spots close to the entrance because you think your super special car might get dinged… I can almost guarantee it WILL get dinged… just sayin…

2.       Telling me really long stories about things that don’t affect me nor interest me in the slightest while I’m trying to do something else. 

      You don’t feel well?

      You aren’t coming in to work?

      What’s your name?

      OK… WERE DONE HERE!

      I don’t need to know that your tummy is upset or that you were up all night sitting on the commode or that you already left me a message reciting your bathroom woes (BTW, I KNOW you already left me a message… I already heard this bullcrap but thanks so much for the encore). PLEASE DON’T tell me about your digestive issues or whatever is keeping you from work. You’re not coming in… aight… got it. We’re good.

3.       Asking stupid questions…. Normally I’m fine with people asking me silly questions… I mean I KNOW I can ask some dumbass questions but SOMETIMES it’s painful to keep my epically sarcastic responses at bay.  

      “Yes… You still have that guy on the timesheet you made a bazillion copies of… IT’S A COPY FUCKTARD!” .  (Yes I realize that isn’t so much sarcastic as blatantly mean but COME ON! I can’t tell you how many times this has happened… )

4.       Looking me in the eye when clearly you’re an abominable MORON!  I mean can’t you see I’m pissy today and you’re a big stupid face? (See what I mean? UGH!)

5.       Being overly cheery and upbeat. GAH! STOP THAT SHIT RIGHT NOW! Ima need you to dial the perkiness down about 10 notches.

6.       NOT anticipating what’s going to annoy me next. Why did you suggest DQ for lunch when you KNOW I’ll probably want something else?  BLECH!

7.       Beating me to the restroom and making me wait! I KNOW you KNEW I needed to go! What are you doing in there anyway? Giving yourself a perm? HURRY THE CRAP UP!

Ok… well now I’m getting all irritated and shit so I guess I’d better cut this rant short.

What have we learned from my tirade?  It BETTER be that Shawn is in mood so you better behave!

Ok… maybe I just need a nap…or a bathtub full of merlot…. One of you stupid faces better get on that!

Adventures in Jury Duty

Let me say first off ladies that although you do look super sexy all dressed up for court or whatever you're doing walking the streets of downtown... I wonder if those stilettos are REALLY the best choice for traipsing up and down the streets of Houston.  I have yet to see one single woman who doesn't look like she's cringing with EVERY step (yes, I can tell you're trying to hide it and put on your 'I wear stilettos on my morning jog' face but you're not pulling it off nearly as well as you think you are). If you absolutely MUST wear you're hooker...ahem.. I mean "fancy" shoes to walk blocks on end through the ridiculous Houston heat at least carry some flip flops. You KNOW you're gonna need them. Just sayin...

 OK... now back to my adventures in jury duty:

After braving downtown traffic and adeptly finding the correct parking garage (mostly by accident but whatev) and walking 2 blocks to the Jury Building we are greeted by a TWO BLOCK LINE! I'm not kidding... this isn't a freaking Justin Beiber concert... this is freaking JURY DUTY! TWO BLOCKS! Did I mention the line was TWO BLOCKS LONG? Well it was and I gotta say if it were raining I'm pretty sure they'd have lost this potential juror. Craziness! 

So we finally get to security where of course the barely qualified minimum wage earning security guards were enjoying what I assume is the ONE perk of the job and being terribly condescending and obnoxious to the herd of citizens thrilled to finally be in the AC. As I move up to partake in the dressing down and bare all of my possessions so that I may be allowed to perform my stupid civic duty I'm so proud cuz I'm ready... I've already removed my shoes and watch. I put my phone in the bowl and shoved my overstuffed purse through the x-ray machine... YES! I don't set off any alarms as I walk through the  metal detector! But wait.... where's my purse? That lady was definitely behind me... AH CRAP! So they have to dig now... apparently something in my purse looks like a pocket knife. OOPS! Seems as if I forgot to take my wine opener out... haha! Only me! At least I took my vibrator out! hahahahaha! JUST KIDDING FOLKS! 

Ok, so we make it down to the appropriate rooms and wait....
wait....
waiting...
waiting... 
As we wait, we can enjoy some fascinating reading on the monitor. Jury duty info... titillating.... Most of it was pretty dumb but I did find it amusing when it listed the "disqualifications"... It turns out that if you can't read or write then you can get out of jury duty. What I thought was funny, however, is that there was no audio for this. HELLO! CAN'T READ! AWESOME!

For the most part the entire thing was pretty stinking dull. Some chick started snoring... LOUD... She woke up when we all started laughing, I'm pretty sure she didn't realize why we were laughing but it was still pretty funny. Notice how low the bar on funny is? That's cuz it was BORING! I didn't even get called to go back. We just sat there for hours waiting... zzzzzzzzz

I swear next time I get a jury duty summons I'm going to INSIST on a really juicy trial! I mean Idk exactly how that works but I'm sure if I throw a big enough fit they HAVE to let me be on the jury... right?

Chicken Pox Rock!

So the new Nasonex commercial says "avoid contact with chicken pox or measles while using Nasonex"

What??? 

 I have to give up painful childhood diseases just to clear up my nasal allergies? I'm a rebel! I live on the edge! You can't fence me in Nasonex! I will dance with chicken pox and measles whenever I want! 

Are there people out there who would otherwise be looking to make contact with some swelled up chicken pox covered sicky? Do we really NEED our nasal spray to warn us about these things?

I swear the warnings on medicines are hysterical! One medicine promises to make you more attractive by giving you explosive diarrhea... Well maybe you're a little less fat but you still ain't gettin' a date Crappy Panties...

I mean I KNOW they put these warnings on there because some dumb ass was genuinely shocked and dismayed that they weren't warned that although, they look super cool smoking that cigarette, just MAYBE it's not the brightest idea to puff away while using gasoline to get the sticker off of the windshield. Of course there are those people that just loooove their McDonalds but simply don't understand why no one told them that consuming copious amounts of McDoubles would mcdouble their ass... WHO KNEW? Surely it's not their own fault... Must be the McMan's fault they're now a McFatty...

It's a pretty sad thing that grown ass people need to be warned, advised and "protected" into oblivion. Unfortunately dumbasses abound and MUST be forewarned NOT to ride on top of a moving vehicle through the car wash while playing on their laptop. 

I say we wrap newborns in bubble wrap as soon as their newly appointed lawyer finishes suing their mothers for that strenuous trip through the birth canal. I mean that hooker just pushed them out through that little bitty hole when they were SO much safer and happier where they were.... 

Oh well... Ima squirt my Nasonex now so if you're sporting the Pox we can't play together right now but just as soon as my allergies clear up I'm soooooo coming over for a chicken pox swap!

Regret is fo suckas!

There's a saying that in the end you don't regret the things you did... only the things you didn't.


Um... I beg to differ...


What about the time I drunkenly text-ed a guy ALL night? I totally regret THAT shit! (I'd fill you in on the retarded crap I sent but sober me couldn't bear it and deleted it all before I could peruse that hot mess). I'm sure it seemed freaking genius at the time... you know 2 margaritas and about 8 beers in genius...


There was this one time (well maybe more than once...) I thought that although I had absolutely NO balance I could TOTALLY dance.... um.... yeah... not so much. My ass and the ground have met on many an occasion...


I kinda regret thinking the bartender was working too slowly at my sister's wedding and hopping behind the bar and mixing my own drinks... BIG MISTAKE! HUGE! I sure wish I remembered the second half of that wedding... I heard it was tons o' fun...


How about that drunken fiasco at.....


hmmmm.... maybe there's a pattern here... NAW! I'm not an alcoholic... alcoholics go to meetings! JK! Although there are plenty of drunken adventures I wouldn't advertise on FB at least those are excusable with a "*hic*... well I was a little tipsy..."


I'm pretty sure there are plenty of things I wish I hadn't done that DON'T involve adult beverages... I'd say my marriage but there was most certainly some alcohol involved and I did get my super awesome kid out of it. We'll just call that a detour...


I guess there are a few things I regret NOT doing... I regret not finishing college (yet). I regret investing a shit ton of money on beer and partying and NOT spending it on something awesome like a trip to Europe... I could have thought that one out a little better but then again I was *hic* drinking a lot then...


I always kind of figured that the saying mainly applied to love... as in not telling the ones you love how much they mean to you, not following your heart for fear of being hurt... that kind of thing... Well Idk if that's really true. I think there are times that I plopped my guts out on the table for everyone to gawk at and looking back there a few times I kind of regret it... I mean WTF was I thinking? One dude was stinky... PEE-EWE! I swear I was half-retarded. Seriously...


BUUUUTTTT.... I guess there were a few instances that I still wonder about. Not that I'm pining away for anyone or that I don't believe that everything happens for a reason but of course there are some "what ifs"... Admittedly, if I really think about it most of those are clouded by time and rose colored glasses and if I try I could predict the demise of most of those relationships anyway... still tho...


Now that I'm older...ish... I try to think about stuff like that when I'm faced with choices. I really believe that following your heart (even tho my heart is kind of stupid sometimes) is almost always the best decision.


I guess in the end when you're all wrinkly and crap, sitting alone in your hover-chair sipping lava hot coffee and praying your Depends holds out, it would really suck to regret letting something possibly amazing slip away... I want some wrinkly old fart sitting right next me and I don't want to wait til my boobs are scraping the ground and my face looks like I left it in the bathtub too long to find my Depends buddy. So Ima wear my heart on my sleeve (well under my hoodie) and let the chips fall where they may.


Regret is fo suckas!

Let's get our swim on!

I'm baaaaaack! I'm not sure how it happened but somehow I turned into a crazy workaholic... Let's all hope that fever has permanently subsided.... cuz I gotta say it SUUUUUCKED!

Well, I've done it again... I've signed my kid up for yet another freaking sport... WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??? Ok... don't answer that smartasses... ANYWAY....

What's even worse?

I signed him up for the WORST spectator sport in the world! 

SWIMTEAM!

Don't get me wrong. I love swimteam. It was pretty much the only sport I genuinely excelled at. It got me a letter jacket as a freshman... yeah... I may or may not be bragging a little but I was kick ass in the pool....just sayin...

The problem is... swim meets blow... big fat chlorine infused chunks.

Swim meets are exceedingly long. Did I say EEEEEXXXXXCCCCCEEEEEEDDDDINGLY LOOOOOOOOOOONG??? Cuz...well they are WAY too long...

AND they want you there BY 7 am... ON SATURDAY!!!  Come on people... Let's be reasonable.

Swim meets are terribly dull except for the 45 seconds every 2 hours or so that your kid is actually swimming. There are only so many games of Go Fish one can play before dementia sets in. Plus my iPhone battery isn't really up to that much distraction. Don't get me wrong... I WILL be charging that bitch somewhere cuz there's NO way I'm going the length of a swim meet sans iPhone but it's kinda awkward when I'm just standing around in the concession stand waiting for my phone to charge... they always want me to help and crap.

Also, turns out summer is really the best time to host water based outside sports so......well... its FREAKING HOT! I don't mean "someone turn the air down a smidge its a bit warm in here" hot, I mean "OMG is that sweat in my drawers or did I just pee my pants?" hot.

You know what else sucks? They don't sell beer at these things!!! It's an ALL FLIPPIN' DAY BORING ASS SWEAT FEST!!! Beer would definitely improve the situation... I have considered making my own "grown up" swim team concoction... of course by "considered" I mean "fully intend to"

***in an unrelated matter if you're also forced to endure these swim meets come to my blanket on the hot ass ground.... It's where the party's at***

Well, I guess I need to get some rest. Swim team is creeping up on me... I can feel it dripping down my back...Feel free to drop by if you're around... I'll be there aaaaaaaaaaaalllllllll daaaaaayyyyy... We can hang out, play a rousing game of Go Fish... get hammered... it's whatev...

I am an oxymoron

I'll give some of you a moment to enjoy your moron jokes... you finished? Ok... moving on...


Everywhere you go there are oxymorons. Our world is rife with contradictions and incongruities.


Open secret... um... you're doing it wrong. 
Found missing... huh? So are you going to keep looking?
Mandatory option... I don't want that option... Oh wait... CRAP!
Original copy...  Soooo.... it's the first COPY? Not very original...


Well I have come to realize that I am an oxymoron... I am a hopelessly romantic cynic.


I tend to assume most people are full of crap when they get all mushy and googly eyed over someone or when they gush about how much in looooove they are. BLECH! Give me a break. Not that I don't believe in love or that I don't think two people can honestly be in love and happy I just think that most people are insincere and well... full of shit. This is terrible (and shhhh.... this is our little secret) but in my head I find myself making bets on how long a couple will make it. It's bad, I know.... I am a cynic.


I also find myself daydreaming about elaborate romantic scenarios. Maybe one day someone will stand outside my house holding up a boom box playing "In your eyes" or some man will show up at my work to carry me out in his military uniform... (damn that shit is HOT!). I really do play out super sweet dramatic scenarios in my head... I am a hopeless romantic.


I am a hopelessly romantic cynic.


I know it seems strange but part of me doubts most peoples' intentions and sincerity when it comes to love, faithfulness and honesty yet at the same time I believe and hope with every fiber of my being that true intense and honest love exists.


Is it possible that my skepticism of  relationships is really just me trying to distinguish between true love and bullshit?


I think it's a safe assume that my true love barometer is broken and I'm learning that love doesn't look the same on everyone so in lieu of judgment I am trying to see hope. Isn't that what everyone wants? The romance, the fairytale.... well I really don't need a fairytale and too much mushy would get on my nerve pretty quickly but I sure wouldn't hate some amazing guy professing his love in some really sweet, thoughtful, romantic way. Better yet... I just want to feel like I'm the most important girl in the world to someone. I'll take true forever love over grand gestures any day.


In my unbiased opinion hoping for love yet preparing for heartbreak is our only choice. I am going to keep acting naturally and definitely maybe one day I'll get to experience just a little romance. If not it could get pretty ugly around here...


Now that shit is seriously funny!

My Facebook Vent

You know what I hate on Facebook?


Those crabby pants people who never have anything good in their lives... You know the ones that do nothing but whine and bitch about EVERY LITTLE BITTY THING! I mean, I know I can hide people and believe me... some people are hidden but I keep expecting them to have one interesting non-whiny thing to say. AND if you really feel like the rest of us care about how mistreated you are at least make it entertaining... don't tell us your boyfriend is a lying cheating bastard... tell us how you really found out. Did he give you the herp? Did you find some girls lipstick on his junk? I mean really... I might actually care about THAT.


You know what else I hate?


Those people who are sooooo freaking upbeat all the time... REALLY??? Come on... I'm not buying it. Surely you're not actually all that pumped to go to work on Monday... "LETS GET IT!!! I can't wait to take on this week!!!"... Seriously? No one is THAT excited about Monday... Either you're blowing smoke or... yeah... you're full of it. AND if you really are that super excited tell us why... are you plotting revenge on one of your co-workers? Did you spike the water cooler? Come on... you can tell me.


You know what else I hate?


I hate it when people put "OOOOHHHH I'm sooooo mad! I can't believe that just happened!!"... or some other similar type thing. You can't believe WHAT happened? What on earth are we supposed to be getting our panties in a wad about? If you really feel like whatever it is you're dealing with simply MUST be shared on facebook the for the love of all things holy tell us WTF it is! What is that about anyway? Are we supposed to be on the edge of our seats awaiting your next post to explain the tragedy? Seriously... if you aren't going to tell us what it is then DON'T TELL US! Really...


You know what else I hate?


Ok... I'm really not that much of a hater and for the most part I genuinely enjoy seeing peoples lives in one simple format... just think of the telephone calls and obligatory meetings facebook has saved us from. Sometimes I just want to comment on some peoples status' "How about we spice this mess up..." Of course I wouldn't do that because for one thing that's rude and also because I know I don't actually HAVE to read all of their stuff, I know how to hide... Plus I think I kind of enjoy it... even the whiny and upbeat crap. I DO NOT however enjoy the vague tragedies... seriously... that needs to stop.

PLEASE don't be the guy who steals my drawers!

If you always do what you always did then you'll always get what you always got.


It sounds so simple but we do it all the time. What is THAT about? Every time something goes south whether it be a relationship or really pretty much anything we vow never to make the same mistakes again yet almost inevitably we end up in the same place.


That's how Einstein defined crazy... doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. That IS crazy!


I have friends who are always saying they want a boy to dote on them, to make them feel like the are the most important girl in the world but the second they find a boy that actually wants to do that they freak. WHY? Why can't we actually want what we want? What are we so scared of?


I have a theory:   We only want the ones that don't want us.


That guy...the one that DOESN'T want me MUST be the the best one. I mean... if he doesn't like me he must have impeccable taste. "I WANT THAT GUY! The one that doesn't want me!".


We spend ridiculous amounts of time fretting about what we can do to make him realize that he really does want us. We pick apart every second, every sentence, every text... EVERYTHING... trying to "read between the lines". WHY? If he was into us we'd know about it. I think it's more than the thrill of the chase. I think we're just gluttons for punishment.


Sadly however any guy dumb enough to be into us must be an idiot..."What a loser! What kind of idiot thinks I'm that great? NO WAY! I don't want that dummy! LOOOOSSSSEEERRRR!"


How sad is that? We talk about how we love ourselves, girl power, yada yada yada but we honestly doubt why anyone would think WE are awesome. Maybe WE are the ones with the problem.... just sayin...


I think it's time to accept that there might be a boy out there who immediately thinks we're amazing. It might just be possible that someone who makes time to hang out with us, doesn't dodge phone calls (maybe even wants to talk to us A LOT) or says how cool he thinks we are isn't necessarily a crazy stalker with no life... it might just mean he thinks we're pretty neat and might want to get to know us better.


Of course there is still the risk we might find our old panties or used dental floss in his truck and then I'd suggest we might wanna reevaluate the "crazy stalker" notion BUT I think it's worth the risk to let somebody like us. I think we're pretty cool and I'm not sure why we doubt that someone else might think so too.

I wanna be the Best One

I wanna be the best one... you know that ONE person. The one that even if something happens and you don't end up together you still wonder about and kind of wish you had held on to (cuz let's face it... at this age most of us are messed up and are apt to sabotage a good thing). Of course I'd prefer to end up with the "best one" but barring a miracle I want to BE the "best one" for at least one person.


I'm pretty sure that's just a little self serving and possibly selfish... I'm alright with that... If something goes wrong and things go to pot (hopefully not by my doing... well that's pretty unlikely since I'm flippin' perfect and crap) I want, at the very least be a regret.


I don't want to just be a little dot on the map of someone's life that's forgotten as soon as they make it to the next town. I sure as hell don't want to be the "OH THANK GOD I DODGED THAT BULLET" chick. I want to be the one that years down the road when they think of me I'm 10 lbs thinner, 30 IQ points higher and just a little awesomer than I actually was.


Not that I'm saying I want some poor soul to pine away wishing I hadn't gotten away.... I'm not proposing that everyone who crosses my path never recover from losing me... That would be awful. I just want a little mention in the obit... is that asking too much? Kidding! I mean unless you really wanna put me in there as the "love of your life"... I guess that wouldn't be so bad.


But seriously... I wanna mean something special to someone that meant something special to me... I wanna be the Best One.

First Date Advice

Since I'm soooo clearly a dating icon I thought it would be cool of me to share some of my wisdom. I know it's tough dating these days so I'd love to help out those less fortunate than myself in the dating arena. Here are some of my helpful hints:


 1. Be fashionably late... by this I mean 7 really means 9:15ish... they need to know your time is more important than theirs. Trust me boys dig it when you set them straight early.


2. Dress reeeaaalllyy slutty. You want their undivided attention and you're sure to get it if at least one of your nipples is precariously poised within the coverage of your transparentish blouse.


3. There's no such thing as too much perfume... french whore house, schmore house! Don't let him EVER forget your aroma!


4. Flirt with the waiter shamelessly. Everyone knows that men are pre-wired to fight for their lady and will appreciate that you're a hot commodity.


5. Talk incessantly. He really does want to know about your annoying co-worker's annoying habits. He'll be fascinated by you're in depth analysis of the Bachelor AND will be enthralled by how awful your last boyfriend's mother was (plus it's good for him to start getting the clue that YOU will be the head bitch and he should probably inform his mother accordingly).


6. Don't forget to let him know you're into him too.... tell him which pictures on his Facebook you liked and feel free to elaborate on your opinions of the shady looking girls posing next to him (of course they are probably hideous whores anyway), Show your outdoorsy side by pointing out that you noticed the type of  bushes he has in his backyard (if he points out that you've never been to his house just change the subject). Let him know that your laid back enough to rough it in his "starter home" for the first year or so but you will expect a MUCH more posh residence ASAP once you're married. (The kids simply can't grow up in THAT neighborhood!)


7. Ask him questions... "Is THAT really the career choice you want to stick with or do you plan on getting a REAL job soon?", "Did you get your money back for that haircut?", "Is that a rental because your real car is in the shop or something?"... you know... get to know him....


8. Order something fancy. If you're unsure of what to order just choose the most expensive thing... they always price the best things the highest. That's how he'll know you're a quality lady...


9. It's perfectly acceptable to get a little tipsy. It shows that you're fun! I'd keep the throwing up at bay until the second date but a slight slur is cute.


10. Play innocent and just a little prudish when he drops you off. Let him walk you to the door, giggle (which should be easy since you're 5 wine glasses in)... tuck your nipple back into your demi-cup and say..."Good night". That's it... He's been eying your boobage all night and will DEFINITELY be calling for a second date in hopes of seeing more of you!


Go forth and date my pretties! I know this will help you get a second date! Now good night, I have to feed my cats and finish heating up my lean cuisine.

Lent

I'm not Catholic but I understand the point of Lent and have always thought that's something I could get on board with. I mean, the spiritual awareness and what not... it's a good thing. Well that is in theory... when it comes down to actually coming up with something I could live without for 40 freaking days it becomes less of a spiritual awakening and more of a "OH CRAP! Buuutttt I NEEEEEEED it!" sort of thing So I've been trying to think of something I could sacrifice that I would notice but not suffer extraodinarily without.
    
Of course there are the funny things like:
      Cuban Cigars... I could give those up, no problem... but yeah... not so much in the way of sacrifice.
      Sex... Easy... gave that up ages ago... stupid single mothering and crap gettin' in the way!
      Eating my boogers... DUDE! I quit doing that in like 11th grade!
     
Then there are the things I could pretend I could give up but I already know I'll fail before I finish composing this post:
     Facebook... yeah... Let's not pretend people... it ain't gonna happen.
     TV... same.  I mean, I might could give it up for a week MAYBE but 40 days? NU UH!
      iphone... Let's just move along people... nothing to see here! Don't make me kill you!
     Sarcasm... it's pretty much the only language I know.
     Cheese... Sure I'd lose 75lbs but yeah... NO!
     Make-up... That's really more of a public service. I wouldn't do that to those poor souls forced to look at THIS mug all day...


So were back to realistically trying to figure out what to give up... This is where I'm completely stumped. Isn't there like a time frame for these sacrifices? Catholics only don't eat meat on Friday during Lent right? I think there are some things I could give up most days as long as I can indulge once a week.


Ok... I'll decide by the end of the day but I think I know. I'll give up red meat (actually not that hard), candy (also not all that hard) and drum roll please.... red wine. EEK! That's gonna be rough... I think I can, I think I can...

Damn! Practice... ah crap...

Ok... am I just the worst mother in the world? I always feel really inferior and kinda crummy when all my baseball/football/basketball etc parent friends get super excited about whichever season is current.


"OH SOOOOO EXCITED ABOUT BASEBALL PRACTICE TONIGHT!!! WHOO HOO!!! GO BLAHBLAH!"


Don't get me wrong... I want my kid to be involved in all this stuff and I love how excited he and the other kids get but PRACTICE? Are these parents really super excited to spend 2 hours of their evening after a long work day sitting at the field watching a bunch of kids play baseball? I get that it's good for the kids and that they are benefiting in more ways than one from sports and teamsmanship and blah blah blah but I wonder if I'm the only one who doesn't feel all the excitment. I mean, some of these parents aren't thinking "Damn, I could be at the grocery store..." or "Man, I could be starting dinner right now" or "Damn... I'm missing 30 Rock". Is it just me?


I wish I could be all gung ho and stuff but damn... I'm tired! I've been up since 4:45 AM and these 8 PM start times kinda suck!


Now I'm not saying that I'm the only one who's tired and that a lot of people don't do a lot more than I do to make the season go smoothly and I really do appreciate it I just want ONE PERSON to say "Damn! Practice... ah crap...." Is that asking too much?

I DON'T want an amazing spectacularly happy life!

You know what's fun? You know what is awesome advice?


When people tell you "It'll happen when you least expect it" or "As soon as you stop looking you'll find what you're looking for".


WHAT??? REALLY???


So you're telling me the minute I abandon all hope and resign myself to a life of solitude I'll find my soul mate? I mean what is that? How the crap is that supposed to make me feel better? Isn't that like telling someone just as soon as you decide you're a lesbian you'll find the man of your dreams... Isn't that an Alanis Morrisette song? Ironic... Why yes.... that IS ironic!


So I guess the plan now is to NOT want what I want. Turns out THAT is how you get what you want... by NOT wanting it...


SOOOO... If anyone is paying attention I DON'T want a million dollars, I DON'T want an amazing Mediterranean vacation and I DON'T want to have Scarlett Johannson's body. I also don't want some boy to think I'm the coolest thing since sliced cheese (which by the way is pretty stinking cool)... OK... better make it two million dollars. I DON'T want FIVE million dollars.

Load your shit up on the luggage rack

To all those single men in my general age range (although I'm sure this could be applied on a broader scale I can only speak from my experience). Heartbreak sucks. Someone screwed you over and yeah... it blows... NEWS FLASH... It sucks for chicks too! I'm sorry that things didn't turn out like you planned. I'm sorry that you were hurt. Been there... done that... but it wasn't me. It is not the job of single women to put up with copious amounts of your bullshit while you "figure yourself out" or while you tiptoe around a relationship. Either you're in it or you're not. I have my own baggage to tote around and I have no intention of dragging yours around too. You can walk beside me and we can carry ours together but if you can't carry your own well, I can't help you. Now before anyone gets their panties in a wad, this is NOT directed at any one person. It is a general observation of grown ass single men in general. Now I still love me some men and I'm not hating on anyone.... I still like you and all I just want you boys to know that the luggage rack is over there... load your shit up on it if you need to but I won't be carrying it for you.


I wrote this a while back but I felt like it was missing something... it was. Here is the addendum. 
 
To all those single ladies out there, if a man is telling you he's not ready don't get the crazy idea that for you he will suddenly BE ready. He just told you he's not. You can't get upset when whatever the two of you had going hits a wall. It was inevitable. You can't force someone to be over heartbreak. Stop trying to carry his luggage "just for a little while". Why do we always want to take in the little bird with the broken wing? There is a process to healing and it's not fair to either one of you to take on other peoples luggage when yours is already so heavy. You'll just end up falling all over the place and looking like an idiot. Sometimes men don't come right out and tell you they're still a hot mess but there are always signs and yeah...it kinda sucks to have to constantly be looking for "signs" but unless you enjoy getting your heart hurt then you better get good at it. I really think when the time is right you will find someone who's luggage is as manageable as your own and together you can traverse your adventures together.

Til death do us part

I wonder what makes some relationships last and others fall apart... I wonder what the key is. I've witnessed couples I would have bet money wouldn't last a year stay together for years and years and some I never thought would end fall apart. So what's the difference? I have a theory... write this down because clearly I'm an expert on this....


I don't think its "love". Lots of couples "love" each other. Love is a living thing and it changes. It may start as passionate and intense but will hopefully evolve into mutual respect and even a comfortableness<< (yeah... I make up words). You can "love" someone and want to punch them. Every relationship will go through rough times. Sometimes you just won't like each other very much but you can still love each other.


I don't think it's "friendship" either. Friendship I think is a VERY important ingredient in a lasting relationship but it can also evolve and doesn't have the power to keep two people together.


It's not sex either cuz let's be realistic... that will waiver too. Kids, jobs, responsibilities and American Idol will start taking up some of the time that used to be filled with passionate sessions.


I think the key is to have all of those things but MOST importantly a commitment. Not the "well I promise for right now" kind. The "when I say til death do us part I mean I'll kill you first". Of course I'm not really advocating murder but I think if you can find a friend that you love and want to spend your life with they also have to agree that this commitment is real. Sometimes the commitment will be the only thing that pulls you through. Relationships are hard and there will be times when it may seem much easier to just give up if the "commitment" isn't there. I think that years down the road the fact that the two of you have made it will be so much sweeter because of the hard times you survived. If you can find someone that has the same concept of forever then just maybe you have a chance.


Well I hope everyone is paying attention cuz if there's one thing I've proven it's that I know how to stay married...

Anyone know where to find a really good couch?

So it's almost Valentines Day... whoo hoo... BUT I think it's a good time to evaluate.


Yup... still single.


I did however receive a sweet card from my favorite guy so all in all not too awful but where am I in general?


I think that we (single people) don't really see our lives as complete until we find someone to share it with. I want someone to share my life with but my life is still the only one I have whether I've found the last piece or not. It's like a couch...


Say you buy a house... YAY! I bought a house..but oh wait... I don't have a couch. I don't want just any couch, I want THE perfect couch. Well what do I do with the rest of my stuff until I find my couch? I won't worry about that, I'll just leave it wherever and once I get the couch I can arrange it around my perfect couch...


But that's no good. You have to keep living your life regardless of the couch situation. There is no telling how long it'll take to find the couch and you can't keep living in limbo until it arrives. I think I've done that and I don't think I'm the only one. I didn't even realize that's what I was doing but I sure don't have a couch and my stuff is kinda just lying around wherever it landed. I'm not some sad sack living with boxes where tables should be but I do need to recognize when I'm putting "my real life" on hold instead of living it to the fullest. So the plan is to make this life as fabulous as possible and whenever I finally find my perfect couch I'll know exactly what kind will fit the best.


I'm not creating my life around the couch... the couch will have to fit into my creation.

Things I've learned

A watched pot will never boil.... This is true... I watched it forEVER and it just wouldn't boil. I finally gave up and just turned the burner on.
Any UNpotty trained kid I misguidedly agree to baby sit will immediately take a man sized dump in his or her drawers.
Any potty trained kid I misguidedly agree to baby sit will immediately take a man sized dump in his or her drawers also.
The second I doze off for a much anticipated nap EVERYONE I know will decide that they absolutely MUST speak to me right this second.
I will wash my debit card every time I go out drinking... EVERYTIME!
I can type flawlessly until someone is standing behind me watching me type and suddenly its like I'm typing with my toes.
The only time I'll be invited to something really cool will be the weekend I have my kid with no babysitters to be found.
I will spend 95% of my kid free weekend laying around doing nada.
AND FINALLY it doesn't matter how much weight I lose or how long I keep it off I WILL gain every pound back 2 months before my class reunion.

Valentines Day... the root of all evil.

Being alone on Christmas... $200 saved since I don't have to buy that extra gift.
Being alone on New Years...$100 I get to spend food and drinks just for myself.
Being alone on Valentines Day... PRICELESS!
There is no more loathed holiday for single people than the cursed Valentines Day. Oooohhh... look at that nauseating commercial, look at that cheesy card, look at that annoying couple... YEAH I'm not bitter! Really though... I need to get DVR simply so I can filter stupid ass Valentines Day commercials! Like constantly being reminded I don't have a valentine isn't going to make me pelt couples with chocolates... Can we PLEASE just skip ahead to February 15th? At the very least we should have a SHUTTHECRAPUPABOUTLOVE holiday. I really don't think I'm being unreasonable... Anyway, I hope everyone gets something sweet for Valentines Day and crap and I'll try REALLY hard not to steal your candy and fill it with ex-lax.

Well here goes...

I guess I'll start with my motivation for this blog. I tend to over-think and well... possibly I'm not the Lone Ranger in that department so just maybe I can relate some of the crazy I have dancing around in my head and it'll speak to someone else (or just incite some laughter).
I can tell you for sure that I didn't anticipate being a single mom at this stage in my life. I figured I'd be a slightly frumpy *insert kid sport here* mom. Well, that sure isn't where I am (I won't dwell on the frumpy part and I'd appreciate if no one else did either...ahem). Being single certainly has some nice aspects but I can't help but miss the companionship and having someone to lean on when things are tough. I am learning to appreciate my friends and family more than I ever really have before; there are some people I just don't think I'd have gotten this far without. I've also come to realize this unexpected U-turn in my life has given me the opportunity to try and figure out who I really am and what I want in someone else. Notice how I threw in "try"? Cuz I must say I'm still pretty clueless but I'm "trying".

I can be obnoxios, I can be raunchy but I can be intense and insightful too. I hope I have something interesting to say, I hope that someone else gets something from me expressing my thoughts but I really just want to get it out.

P.S. I hate commas and all those other silly little grammatical whatchamabobs so I have decided at this point in my life I will use them when, how and IF I see fit so please don't bother correcting my comma-splices cuz commas are dumb. Just sayin... 

P.S.S. I won't be citing any sources either so SUCK IT MLA!