I’ve imparted some of my super helpful dating advice before. *I mean seriously… you should totally listen to me because I'm soooo together* and now, I’m thinking I should let you ladies in on a little “guy speak”. We’ve ALL heard the same shit and as females we tend to hear what we want to hear. Turns out dudes know that crap… They have created this whole other dialect and oh boy is it sneaky…
It’s possible I’m not completely right *of course I am* but here are a few gems I’ve managed to translate:
~ “She and I are just really great friends.”
TRANSLATION: “We hooked up like freaking wild ass monkeys on multiple occasions but I soooo don’t want you to know that because that might significantly impair my ability to have more wild monkey sex with her.”
~“I haven’t kept track of how many women I’ve been with.”
TRANSLATION: “127 and I have a spreadsheet with graphs and tables and shit, which my friends and I joke about whilst trying to out-slut each other.”
~“Babe, I’d never touch that chick…she couldn’t even hold a candle to you.”
TRANSLATION: “Babe, I’d tear that bitch up and make sure I put that shit on my spreadsheet so all of my friends can get a kick out of it too. I’m a guy and she wants to get naked with me… pssshhh…”
~“I’m just not ready for a relationship.”
TRANSLATION: “I like you and all but there are just WAY too many chicks I haven’t banged and I’m not ready to give that up yet. I’d really prefer you not start banging other dudes until I’m sure I’m finished with you though.”
~”It’s hard for me to open up and let people in.”
TRANSLATION: “SHUT UP already… GAH! Why do we ALWAYS have to talk about feelings and crap?”
~”My ex was a crazy bitch.”
TRANSLATION: “Yeah… I fucked her up like a green bean sandwich by cheating and being an all around douchetard but then all of a sudden she turned into this psycho biznatch and stopped being my doormat… CA-RAZY!”
~”I’m not jealous of your guy friends.”
TRANSLATION: “I KNOW those dudes are ALL trying to get into your pants (I know this because I have chick friends and their pants are exactly where I want to be) and I’m going to make you so miserable every time they are around or you talk to them that you will eventually drop them. Also, you’re being irrationally jealous of my chick friends.”
~”It’s not you it’s me.”
TRANSLATION: “Bitch… please… of COURSE it’s you but I’m a freaking coward and I’m afraid you might start crying or some shit if I tell you the truth and there is some other chick waiting on me…. Anyhoo… gotsta go.”
I’m sure there are more and there is a slight chance I’m off a bit on some of these but clearly I have shit aaaalllll figured out...I mean... really... this is as good a guess as any. Well, now that I’ve enlightened you all I guess it’s time for me to heat up my Lean Cuisine and get back to my porn…errrr… BOOK… I mean my book. What? “50 Shades of Grey” is a book! geeeeezzzz
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