Let's all have a CRAPTASTIC DAY!

For the most part I think I’m a VERY tolerant person (I’m not talking about the “social conscience” kind of tolerant… unless putting up with dumbasses and assholes counts as “social conscience” tolerance). I can handle a fairly large amount of asswipe in my daily environment. I can excuse rudeness and inconsideration most of the time because I’ve convinced myself that for the most part people don’t realize how shitty they are and deep down they're really good people and crap… blah blah blah…

*MOST OF THE TIME*

Today is NOT one of those days…

“WHAT??”, you say??? “But Shawn, you’re ALWAYS so freaking delightful! You NEVER get cranky or lose your temper!”

I know… I know… it’s really hard to believe that anything could perterb me…
*AHEM… shut up before I throat punch you for your insolence!*

BUUUUUT, every once in a while I get pissy. Occasionally I want to throw shit at people and curse their mommas for giving birth to their stupid asses…

SOOOOO… I was thinking it’s only fair to warn people that today might be the day their life may be in jeopardy for being their regular, dipshit, asshole, stupid face selves.

The following is a list of things that normally don’t bother me (too terribly much) but just might send me into a homicidal rage on one of my “cranky days”:

1.       Parking across two spots close to the entrance because you think your super special car might get dinged… I can almost guarantee it WILL get dinged… just sayin…

2.       Telling me really long stories about things that don’t affect me nor interest me in the slightest while I’m trying to do something else. 

      You don’t feel well?

      You aren’t coming in to work?

      What’s your name?

      OK… WERE DONE HERE!

      I don’t need to know that your tummy is upset or that you were up all night sitting on the commode or that you already left me a message reciting your bathroom woes (BTW, I KNOW you already left me a message… I already heard this bullcrap but thanks so much for the encore). PLEASE DON’T tell me about your digestive issues or whatever is keeping you from work. You’re not coming in… aight… got it. We’re good.

3.       Asking stupid questions…. Normally I’m fine with people asking me silly questions… I mean I KNOW I can ask some dumbass questions but SOMETIMES it’s painful to keep my epically sarcastic responses at bay.  

      “Yes… You still have that guy on the timesheet you made a bazillion copies of… IT’S A COPY FUCKTARD!” .  (Yes I realize that isn’t so much sarcastic as blatantly mean but COME ON! I can’t tell you how many times this has happened… )

4.       Looking me in the eye when clearly you’re an abominable MORON!  I mean can’t you see I’m pissy today and you’re a big stupid face? (See what I mean? UGH!)

5.       Being overly cheery and upbeat. GAH! STOP THAT SHIT RIGHT NOW! Ima need you to dial the perkiness down about 10 notches.

6.       NOT anticipating what’s going to annoy me next. Why did you suggest DQ for lunch when you KNOW I’ll probably want something else?  BLECH!

7.       Beating me to the restroom and making me wait! I KNOW you KNEW I needed to go! What are you doing in there anyway? Giving yourself a perm? HURRY THE CRAP UP!

Ok… well now I’m getting all irritated and shit so I guess I’d better cut this rant short.

What have we learned from my tirade?  It BETTER be that Shawn is in mood so you better behave!

Ok… maybe I just need a nap…or a bathtub full of merlot…. One of you stupid faces better get on that!