Christmas…. Why do we hate it?
I know it’s not really politically correct to admit it but most of us dread Christmas… don’t lie! I know you do. I mean, yeah… we “get” to go to parties and crap but ...UGH! People hardly ever get embarrasingly shitty at those things anymore... What's the fun in that? Fess up… its obligatory "Cheer and Merriment". And it’s super fun to find the money in your budget for all those extra guests… What's not to love about THAT? Gee… I wonder what so-and-so’s girlfriend’s kid would want for Christmas… UGH! Why can’t I buy a big ol’ box of wine, slap a bow on that bitch and call it good?
You know what’s worse than regular Christmas? SINGLE Christmas… NOTHING is more miserable than being single on Christmas (well Valentines Day blows some pretty serious chunks but you can just go get hammered with your other single friends and have a good laugh at everyone’s inevitable walk of shame February 15th…) but Christmas… CHRISTMAS you have to spend with your freaking family! Even if they don’t just come right out and say it you KNOW they are all looking at you sitting all by your lonesome opening your “single” gifts feeling sorry for you.
“AWWW… poor Shawn… STILL all alone… will anyone EVER love her?”
What if you’re not single? What if you are in a new relationship? How fun are all those “so when are you kids gonna make it legit?” questions? Aren’t those super? Like what EVERY relationship needs for Christmas is awkward discomfort… I mean that’s what I was hoping for anyway….
How about all those damn kids??? Adults you can slide by with a name drawing or White Elephant but those freaking kids always expect shit! What are they contributing to MY Christmas? NOTHING! That’s what! I mean they’re cute and crap but that’s not gonna pay my credit card bill. AND… AND…How about that fat fucker taking all the credit for the shit I bought! I mean…why exactly do we play along with this? I’m working my tail off to make sure that big fatty gets all the credit for these top notch gifts! I can’t wait until I get to tell my kid, “UH…YEAH… all that crap you thought Santa brought… that was me! YOU’RE WELCOME! Now get in the kitchen and open mommy that nice merlot I’ve been saving for just this occasion!”
AND my FAVORITE Christmas tradition is the whole “X-MAS” fiasco. I actually feel guilty for typing “x-mas”. I mean I freaking shorten EVERYTHING else but apparently efficiency is a big fat no-no when it comes to a long ass word like Christmas. REALLY? Do people honestly think that this one short text is going to bring about the fall of Christianity? Is it really going to ruin Christmas? I’m not trying to “take Christ of Christmas”; I’m not taking a stab at any religion… I’m probably driving and texting. How’s about we just chill out a little with that mess? Pretty please?
Well… I don’t actually hate Xmas…er… Christmas… I just get a little cranky sometimes. I’d never actually tell my kid that either…I’m down with him believing in a just a little magic as long as he wants to. I’m pretty sure I’ve never told my mom that I know all about Santa (by that I mean I totally still believe in Santa, mom). I also mostly like my family and nothing makes me happier than watching a kid light up when they open their gifts. The box of wine thing I’m serious about though… I mean isn’t that what everyone wants for Christmas? It’s way better than a bunch of gifts from the Dollar Store right? Hell… I’ll even spring for the “Fancy” boxed wine!
MERRY FREAKING CHRISTMAS BITCHES!
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