I have this theory that everyone who gets divorced always kind of knew it wouldn't last. Like there was some inkling from the get go that they chose to ignore because they were just soooo in love or whatever... Maybe "cold feet" is really your gut telling you to stop being a fucktard...
I've had this theory for as long as I can remember yet when I got married I actually had this conversation in my head...
Gut: "Crap, I think we might be making a ginormous mistake..."
Heart: "Bitch, just shut up and do it!"
Gut: "You're soooo freaking stupid... you KNOW you're fucking up..."
Heart: "No, YOU SHUT UP! I looooove him....we'll work it out... he's only a lying, cheating fucktard a little..."
Gut: "Whatever, idiot."
END SCENE
Yeah... I screwed that shit all up. Oops...
So, here is what's messing me up now... I had someone ask me recently...
"Don't you want to just be sure? To just KNOW it's right..."
The question stumped me a little bit... I mean... Of COURSE I do. I want that more than anything but I just can't imagine really being sure. What if no one is ever sure? I wonder if anyone just takes that next step and honestly feels confident that they aren't fucking up... How in holy hell could you possibly know that? What on earth would that feel like?
"Don't you want to just be sure? To just KNOW it's right..."
The question stumped me a little bit... I mean... Of COURSE I do. I want that more than anything but I just can't imagine really being sure. What if no one is ever sure? I wonder if anyone just takes that next step and honestly feels confident that they aren't fucking up... How in holy hell could you possibly know that? What on earth would that feel like?
I think people who have never been burned might feel confident. I mean... if you've never been crushed then maybe you don't live in terror of having your heart crushed again. I would assume... I really have no idea...
What about the rest of us though? How can anyone, after having their entire life yanked out from underneath them, ever trust that they won't be demolished again? How do you stop waiting for the other shoe to drop? Surely there are people out there who have found that peace... there HAS to be right? As I'm writing this I'm having genuine anxiety about it... I think I could find happiness with someone... I even think I could be "comfortable" with someone but what if I can NEVER be SURE? GAH!
The only thing I'm holding onto right now is that I've never allowed anyone to really see my soul. Honestly, my dipshit EX was my best friend and even though he turned out to be a fucktard of epic proportions I won't deny that we were best friends. I can't attest to what he felt but from my end we really did have a close relationship (well until he went batshit, whore bag, douchecanoe...whatev...) BUT he never touched my soul... I guess I was smart enough to keep him out of there. So, maybe if I can let someone really, REALLY see into me that deeply then I can find that certainty???
CAN I?
Well, now I'm having a small panic attack... FUCKITY FUCK FUCK!
How will I know that they have let me into their soul? How can I know that I really know anyone to their deepest darkest crevices... Is that what other people have?
FUCK! I need a drink.
I usually end these things with some sort of lesson or resolution but shit... I'm flummoxed. Maybe THIS is the answer I need. Maybe this is the lesson I need to learn... Maybe THIS is what's holding me back from more...
Well... anyhoo... I think I'm going to see if I can find the answer at the bottom of a wine bottle for now. Seems like a reasonable place to start right?
Seeing as we were married (and heartbroken) by the same fucktard, I think we have a bit in common. Unlike you, I had NO question when we married. I thought we were forever. Perfect. But then, I was a 19 year old dumbass who thought 36 was old (fuck you 19 year old self).
ReplyDeleteThat said, NOT knowing has worked well for my current marriage (10 years this year). Divorce fucking sucks. It's like you turn to glass and break into a million sharp tiny pieces. I said then that I'd never trust anyone again - and I won't. My (current) husband is the most fantastic and trustworthy guy I know. And 98% of me would be shocked if he broke my heart. The other 2% would say "told ya so, dumbass". And I remember when we got married I openly said "Maybe it'll work, maybe it won't. Either way, I survived this shit NOT working before, I'll survive it again. So lets do this!" And by "openly", I mean I said it in my vows. To this day I still think, "Damn, 10 years. Never thought *that* would happen!"
Any romantic notions I had died the day my divorce was final, never to return again. I don't believe in "forever", I believe in today. I don't believe in true love, I believe in a hard-working partnerships. I don't believe in knowing, I believe in preparing for the worst and working my ass off for the best.
Truth? I don't love my (current) husband like I loved my ex. That heart-wrenching-how-will-I-live-without-this-love. I like him a shitton more. I respect him more than anyone I know. But love? Eh. And I chalk a big part of our success to my realism on the matter. But then, I've been called a dream-crushing cynic a time or two before.
My grandfather (married twice) once said my favorite quote: "Love? I don't know about this "love" business. My ex-wife said the dumbest thing. She said I love you but I'm not "in" love with you. What the hell is that? I know the love of my kids because they are a part of me. But relationship love? I'm 80 years old and I STILL don't know what that shit is. But friendship? Respect? Trust? Partnership? THAT I get. And the best relationships I've ever had were based on that. Fuck love."
Wow Taunya... that's a pretty damn good perspective. I too have been accused of being the whole "dream-crushing cynic" thing but WAY down deep I think I might be a stupid ass hopeless romantic... I seriously don't know what the fuck that's about though.
DeleteI've never been so stupid as to believe that love was ever going to be easy...I always knew that sometimes it was going to be hard as fuck but I guess I underestimated just how shitty it could be.
I don't know if the "heart-wrenching-how-will-I-live-without-this-love" is really love at all. I think it might just be infatuation and insecurity. I like what you have now soooo much more than that other thing anyway.
I might love your grandfather... I think he kinda had it figured out. Fuck love. Give me that other shit.
Thanks for your perspective. I have a tendency to lose my grip on that sometimes. I think we might have more in common than I imagined (besides the fucktard... holy crapballs he's a peice of work).