Karma May Be a Bitch But She's MY Bitch

Karma… is she really a bitch? WAIT…do we even know if she’s a she? Ok… never mind … gender bias aside I do wonder about her/him/whatev…

I have always sort of thought that whatever you put out into the universe will pretty much be the same crap you get back. It just made sense to me. For as long as I can remember, I’ve had this weird feeling  that if I did something shitty…even if no one would know but me then somehow or another I’d end up suffering for it although I wasn’t aware that it was called “karma”. There have been plenty of times when I REEEAAAALLLYYYY wanted to do the easy thing or selfish thing but I just couldn’t. I mean who knows what catastrophe would befall me if I kept too much change in the drive-thru? Besides… I’ve been in that position before and well, it’s just the right thing to do…

Don’t get me wrong… I’m no freaking saint. I fuck up too (hahaha! Jk! Of course I’m perfect!). We all make mistakes but it just always felt better to do “the right thing” even if I ended up losing something I wanted in the process. I’m pretty sure if I had done the “wrong thing” then whatever I gained would be tainted by it. As I’m writing this I realize it’s a little dumb and cheesy but it’s the Golden Rule. Seems pretty simple to just treat people the way you’d like to be treated. It’s not exactly rocket science.

I wonder if those people that ONLY think of themselves and their immediate gratification (we ALL know some) ever look over their shoulder for that bitch karma… What if karma only exists for those of us who care. Although I have witnessed what I like to call karma kick some asses for me, I wonder if that’s just me looking for consequences for being a douchetard. Maybe I just REALLY wanted karma to be the bitch for me? Maybe those asshats that wronged me are just unlucky and shit?

NAW… I like my way better. 

I will continue to do the right thing even when the people that benefit from my thoughtfulness don’t deserve it. I will keep taking the high road even when I REALLY wanna get in the mud and start some shit. I am going to try to keep only the people in my life that don’t need a karmic intervention (some I’m stuck with… dang it). I will admit some of the shit I’ve been through is my own damn fault for not treating MYSELF the way I want to be treated.

I’m going to do my very best to stay on the good side of karma. I just can’t imagine how I can go wrong with that. 

I will also assume that every crappy thing that happens to those that have wronged me is vengeance from the universe for being mean to me! (I might need to do some karmic damage control for having such awful thoughts but I’ll change an old lady’s tire or some shit just as soon as I can…)

I'm going to be happy

So here's my new theory:  Not everyone gets to be happy.

What? You thought I had some heartwarming bullcrap to throw at you? Yeah... no.

If there's anything I've learned so far is that some people don't have the first freaking clue how to be happy. We all know someone who talks about how they want this and that or ~what the hell ever~ yet they continually do things that GUARANDAMNTEE they aren't going to get those things. Hell, I've even been guilty of it a time or two (whatever... you know I'm freaking perfect and shit).

Sometimes we get caught up trying to get the thing we THINK will make us happy if only....

If only we could change, or we could get them to change, or everyone else would change...

Maybe that change is attainable.

Probably not.

I mean.... everyone else changing sure as fuck isn't going to happen.  Let's be real. People are people and your stupid happiness isn't gonna matter to anyone but you. Deal with it.

Maybe that person (or thing...whatev...we all know I'm talking about people here) can change. I mean maybe they'll see a burning bush or some shit and all of a sudden be all that they can freaking be and crap.

No they're not. Stop expecting them to.

If a person sucks for an extended period of time, they didn't just have a bad childhood. They suck.

If a person treats you like crap, they aren't scared of their feelings. They suck.

What's even worse is all those people who you think you can change not only won't ever change but they WILL drag you down with them. They will suck out every ounce of happiness you manage to find. They don't know how to be happy. Some people will always treat others like shit. They will always be on the lookout for the next person to rob happiness from...because for a brief moment they have happiness... cuz they just stole it from you. It's the only way they know how to be happy.

This brings me to the one and only thing we do have control over. Ourselves. I don't know about everyone else but I want to be happy. I may change (I mean I can't imagine why since I'm soooo awesome...) but I won't do it for anyone else. Maybe I need to be better at being happy... I'm still learning but I know where I won't find it. I've finally learned that every second of my own happiness I sacrifice trying to show someone else how to be happy is one second I've totally wasted. I refuse to be one of those people that never gets to be happy. I really think that there are people who will NEVER figure it out. I kinda feel sorry for them but sure as fuck not enough to be unhappy with them.

So I choose to be happy. I will treat people in a way that I can be proud of (unless they are fucktards then I might be just a little mean...). I will try every day to be just a little better than I was yesterday. I will cry when it hurts but then I will get my shit together and move the fuck on. I will only dedicate time and energy into the people that deserve it and return the sentiment. I WILL be happy.

As a side note, I may be looking into adopting a crapton of cats if this whole happiness crap doesn't work out... JK!

Don't fart on me asshole!

What is it with boys?

Why on earth do they think farting is so freaking funny? It’s almost always just grody. NOT FUNNY. Not that I’m so deluded as to believe that telling boys  chicks don’t dig farting will make even the smallest difference  I figure I can still make a list just in case one of those dumb fart knockers decides to look up a clue.

Rules for female fart enjoyment:

Rule 1. WOMEN ALMOST NEVER THINK FARTING IS CUTE OR FUNNY.

Rule 2. If you are unsure if a woman will think a fart will be cute or funny see rule number 1.

Rule 3. If the farting causes extreme embarrassment to the farter then it just might be funny.  Intentional farting is gross. Seriously… GROSS! We do NOT enjoy your “hilarious” fart smell. We do NOT want to “savor” your disgusting butt air. HOWEVER…if this air slips out and you turn a bright color of pink then that shit (shit may not be the best word for this instance…) AHEM… crap? CRAP! Um… well anyhoo… if you’re embarrassed about the aforementioned butt air THEN it’s funny. Not the fart, mind you but the embarrassment that you feel. We DO enjoy that…

Rule 4. Sharting. UNINTENTIONAL sharting can be funny. AFTER the fact; while you are relating the hysterical story about you crapping your pants… I had to preface this with the “unintentional” thing cuz boys are SOOO freaking stupid and some actually think it’s funny to LITERALLY. SHIT. THEIR. PANTS! Fucktards…

Rule 5. It is NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER funny to lock someone in a vehicle and turn the heater up and fart! NOT FUCKING FUNNY ASSHOLE!  EVER! I know that boys seem to think smelling each other’s butt air is funny, WOMEN do not. Not even a little. Seriously… don’t do it. EVER!

Rule 6. It is kinda funny when you ACCIDENTALLY fart in a small room and you’re embarrassed about it. (Notice the theme here?) It’s even better if you have a crush on someone in the room and you let one rip and are mortified by it. AWESOME! THAT is awesome. Once again… NOT the actual farting but the public embarrassment.  

It’s not that chicks don’t have a sense of humor… it’s more that we have a brain. We’ve evolved passed poop and fart jokes. I just don’t get boys… my freaking kid has to have “poop”, “fart” or “butt” in EVERY SINGLE SENTENCE! REALLY? GAH! He’s lucky he’s cute… just sayin…

So what can we take from this? Let me tell you… FARTING IS GROSS! We can tell when you lift your freaking leg up and make that “pooping face” and WE KNOW it’s not an accident so knock that shit off! We do think its funny when people accidentally toot but intentional farting is nasty. Embarrassment is pretty funny (not the pathetic mean kind but the kind we can all laugh about together… me more tho) but sharing your disgusting turd gas is raunchy.

GET IT?

GOOD. Now go wipe your funky ass that one sounded juicy!

Things I say 800,000 times a day

Things I say 800,000 times a day:

1.       “Eight hundred thousand” - Why? Shit idk... Who knows why I do things…

2.       “STOP SCRATCHING!” - My poor baby has terrible eczema and despises lotion so his skin is always crazy inflamed… AND HE NEVER STOPS SCRATCHING!!! EVER!!!

3.       “You need some lotion. Did you put on your lotion? You need more lotion. Do I need to put on your lotion? I swear to God if you don’t put on your lotion I’m going to make you take a bath in it! GET OVER HERE! I’M GOING TO PUT ON YOUR LOTION!” – Don’t be jealous.

4.       “Holy crapballs!”- I just like the way it rolls off the tongue… it’s awesome… Say it with me… HOLY CRAPBALLS! Now wasn’t that fun?

5.       “I’m going to punch you in the face.” – Well some people just need me to punch them in the face. Don’t blame me…blame the fucktards that need the face punching…

6.       “Fucktard” – Cuz it’s a wonderful variation of my favorite word and sometimes people are fucktards.

7.       “Fuck” – Cuz fuck you, that’s why.

8.       “I’m gonna throat punch you!” – Once again… It’s not my fault. Sometimes people need to be throat punched.

9.       “Seriously?” – Cuz surely you’re kidding me with that bullshit… SERIOUSLY!

10.   “It’s naptime.” – Well…cuz it’s fucking naptime! DUR!

11.   “OMG!” – It’s just efficient and I mean really… OHEMGEE!

12.   “I wanna set that fucktard on fire!” – This is reserved for the most heinous of fucktards. Very few people evoke the desire to cast them into a fiery death but it certainly happens and quite possible 800,000 times a day (slight exaggeration).  

13.   “REALLY???” – Variation of “Seriously??” because I like to mix it up…

14.   “Get in the bathtub.” -  This most often precedes “Did you put on your lotion” and is repeated nearly as many times… once again… Don’t be jealous.

15.   “WHATTHEFUCK???”- Because for some crazy reason I am still astounded by peoples’ stupidity…

16.   “I freaking love that shit” – Cuz I actually do like a few things. It’s hardly ever the shit other people like but whatev… When I do like shit I “FREAKING” love it cuz well, it’s just more fun to throw around words like “freaking” and “fucking” but I try not to fucking overuse “fuck”. Some people are just fucking pussies about that shit! Hehehe…. I really do have a potty mouth huh? Oh well…

I just thought I’d share some of my everyday vernacular. Feel free to adopt some of my “Shawnisms”. Trust me…people fucking love that shit!

The Grinch Bitch

Christmas…. Why do we hate it?

I know it’s not really politically correct to admit it but most of us dread Christmas… don’t lie! I know you do. I mean, yeah… we “get” to go to parties and crap but ...UGH! People hardly ever get embarrasingly shitty at those things anymore... What's the fun in that? Fess up… its obligatory "Cheer and Merriment". And it’s super fun to find the money in your budget for all those extra guests… What's not to love about THAT?  Gee… I wonder what so-and-so’s girlfriend’s kid would want for Christmas… UGH! Why can’t I buy a big ol’ box of wine, slap a bow on that bitch and call it good?

You know what’s worse than regular Christmas? SINGLE Christmas… NOTHING is more miserable than being single on Christmas (well Valentines Day blows some pretty serious chunks but you can just go get hammered with your other single friends and have a good laugh at everyone’s inevitable walk of shame February 15^th…) but Christmas… CHRISTMAS you have to spend with your freaking family! Even if they don’t just come right out and say it you KNOW they are all looking at you sitting all by your lonesome opening your “single” gifts feeling sorry for you.

 “AWWW… poor Shawn… STILL all alone… will anyone EVER love her?”

What if you’re not single? What if you are in a new relationship? How fun are all those “so when are you kids gonna make it legit?” questions? Aren’t those super? Like what EVERY relationship needs for Christmas is awkward discomfort… I mean that’s what I was hoping for anyway….

How about all those damn kids??? Adults you can slide by with a name drawing or White Elephant but those freaking kids always expect shit! What are they contributing to MY Christmas? NOTHING! That’s what! I mean they’re cute and crap but that’s not gonna pay my credit card bill. AND… AND…How about that fat fucker taking all the credit for the shit I bought! I mean…why exactly do we play along with this? I’m working my tail off to make sure that big fatty gets all the credit for these top notch gifts! I can’t wait until I get to tell my kid, “UH…YEAH… all that crap you thought Santa brought… that was me! YOU’RE WELCOME! Now get in the kitchen and open mommy that nice merlot I’ve been saving for just this occasion!”

AND my FAVORITE Christmas tradition is the whole “X-MAS” fiasco. I actually feel guilty for typing “x-mas”. I mean I freaking shorten EVERYTHING else but apparently efficiency is a big fat no-no when it comes to a long ass word like Christmas. REALLY? Do people honestly think that this one short text is going to bring about the fall of Christianity? Is it really going to ruin Christmas? I’m not trying to “take Christ of Christmas”; I’m not taking a stab at any religion… I’m probably driving and texting. How’s about we just chill out a little with that mess? Pretty please?

Well… I don’t actually hate Xmas…er… Christmas… I just get a little cranky sometimes. I’d never actually tell my kid that either…I’m down with him believing in a just a little magic as long as he wants to. I’m pretty sure I’ve never told my mom that I know all about Santa (by that I mean I totally still believe in Santa, mom). I also mostly like my family and nothing makes me happier than watching a kid light up when they open their gifts. The box of wine thing I’m serious about though… I mean isn’t that what everyone wants for Christmas? It’s way better than a bunch of gifts from the Dollar Store right? Hell… I’ll even spring for the “Fancy” boxed wine!

MERRY FREAKING CHRISTMAS BITCHES!

Mullets.. unfortunate hair cut or the root of all evil?

Mullets… WHY???

Can someone please explain to me what on earth is supposed to be attractive about a mullet? I mean… business in the front, party in the back … Got it…

Uh... SHUT UP!

More like: jackass in the front, fucktard in the back…

I feel like mullets are like neck tattoos. You gotta commit. Surely the guy with the tattoo across his neck KNOWS he will be judged solely on his stupid ass tattoo… I’m pretty sure that’s the point. “Yeah… I look like a fucktard but in a “sexy” way”…except without the sexy.

I mean how many women are all like, “Check out that big hunk of man… I wanna braid that fine ass rat’s tail.”?

OR

“DAMN! Now there’s a man that don’t care bout havin’ no class or teeth… HAAAYYYY! I’d let him blacken my eye any day!”

Well…of course I’m making assumptions about the whole teeth thing (and the black eye thing too… whatev) but when I spot a mullet from across the room I pretty much assume the owner is probably missing at least a couple of molars. THAT’S what a mullet says to me… “I cut my own hair and you can bet your sweet ass I ain’t gonna trust no hoity toity dentist around these chompers neither. Toothbrush schmoothbrush”

I know there was a short period of time in the ‘80s when mullets were a socially acceptable “style” but the ‘80s also brought us neon clothes and Boy George… I feel like as fashion era the ‘80s were a ginoromous FAIL.

Aren’t mullets kind of dangerous too? I would think that there is a significant risk that you’re gonna get your hair tangled in the carnival ride you’re running or even get squirrel guts on it while you skin dinner… BLECH… Do they even make “manly” scrunchies? What would they be made of anyway? Tire rubber? Bike chains? IDK…

Let me qualify this by saying that my mother thinks mullets are sexy *hanging my head in shame* and that I know plenty of non- super white trashy, toothless, wife beating mulleteers… (that’s right… they shall heretofore be called “mulleteers”. I sooo enjoy making up words.) I don’t care how freaking sweet, smart and funny you are mullets are NOT attractive. You could even be flippin’ Brad Pitt but throw a mullet on that man and he might as well have maggots crawling out of his nose… ain’t happening.

It should be legal to carry around scissors for the sole purpose of cutting ill advised mullets off of mulleteers. They should even be required by law to thank me for the service. 

Since I’m totally removing mullets as an option I feel like I should make some suggestions for those poor souls that now find themselves in the position of having to find a new, less hideous hairstyle.

May I suggest:

Bald - this look is kinda sexy unless of course your head is fucked up. DO NOT attempt this look with a fucked up head! *I REPEAT! THIS LOOK ONLY WORKS WITH A NORMAL SHAPED HEAD!!!*

Surfer Dude – I personally think its hot when a guy can rock the “shaggy look”… not to be confused with the, “I can’t remember the last time I washed or brushed my hair” look. If you don’t think you can pull this look off you probably can’t. Do us all a favor and don’t bother. Moving along…

Military Man – This really isn’t my favorite look unless of course this haircut is attached to military uniform but I guess not everyone has one of those lying around… This hairstyle is pretty universal and it’s hard to go wrong with it. Just take your happy ass down to the barber and tell them you want it “high and tight” (or whatever the hell it is they say). It’s not really a fashion statement but if your previous hairstyle was a mullet then you are no longer allowed to make fashion statements with your hair. EVER.

If you’re wondering if maybe you need a new hairstyle I have a sure fire test for you. Reach back and touch your neck… if you encounter any hair where your neck should be then I am talking to you. GO NOW. GO GET A FREAKING HAIRCUT! Do not pass go do not collect your food stamps go directly to the barber and get that shit fixed!

Mkay? Thanks.

It'll be fun. You'll like it.

Why the frick do men and women speak two different languages? I mean… it’s not like we are raised in different countries… we all speak “English” yet somehow we never seem to understand one another. What the hell is that exactly?  Is it that we really think so differently that there is no common language to breach the barrier?

I don’t think so. I think that when it comes to relationship type stuff we are all so invested (or not) that any discussion about how the other feels is a personal attack. Even when it’s not… None of us is perfect yet we expect the other to think we are.

~How dare you complain that my laugh is obnoxious??? How do you not think I’m freaking perfect??? Shithead. ~

But in reality are we doing anyone any favors by not trying to understand how the other sees things? Shouldn’t we at least put the effort into seeing things from the other’s perspective? Sometimes we really ARE wrong. Sometimes our adorably charming laugh may sound a little like a hyena having a litter... whatev...Sometimes the person that has to deal with us the most is the first person to notice. I mean… maybe YOU think it’s delightfully cute when you fart right next to me while I’m trying to eat but I wanna puke right on your stinky ass… see… different perspectives.

Or how about when we don’t realize just how much the other person takes on themselves… Sure, there always seems to be enough toothpaste and toilet paper but just how did it get there? Fairies? NOPE… someone went to the store, bought said necessities and placed them right there within reach of the commode. Did you ever think to make sure there was enough paper to wipe your funky ass? Probably not… but someone did. YOU’RE WELCOME.

Most of us don’t really do things for the ones we love because we want a thank you note. We do it because we love the other person and we enjoy taking care of each other. RIGHT??? Ok, that being said sometimes we would still REALLY like to know that you freaking noticed.

~Gee honey, you do so much for me, can I do something to make your life easier too?~

Or…

~Sweetheart, I know you love picking up after me but would you mind if I did some things around the house too? I want to feel like I contribute something besides farting.~

OK… so maaayyybbbeee I’m being a little sarcastic (there’s a first time for everything…). I just wonder why when women say “would you mind helping out a little more” it means, “you’re a lazy piece of shit and you never do anything at all. I hate you”. I mean… I KNOW that’s not what we said and I KNOW that’s not what we meant. How did it turn into that?

Shut up… I’m telling you why!

It’s because we expect the other to think we are perfect. Apparently when we are in a relationship we all turn into saints…flawless, immaculate saints.

Of course I’m not perfect (shhhh, I really am) and it’s possible even I can be wrong. I mean there was that one time I thought I was wrong but it turned out I was mistaken… I wouldn’t really expect anyone to be so blinded by infatuation that they overlooked my flaws. That’s redonkulous! I want to be loved not only in spite of my flaws but even a little because of them. Isn’t that what we all want? For someone to see all of us? The good, the bad, the farty?

Sooooo in conclusion….

I HATE doing laundry. I want YOU to do it. I love you. The end.