Still Open for Business

Letting people in is scary as fuck.

I’m one of the worst when it comes to letting people in, even though it is far and away the thing I want most. I want someone to know me…not the “me” that everyone sees… the deep dark, secret me that very few people have ever seen. The problem with that is anyone who gets to see that part of me has to matter… Not just anyone gets that far. I make a point of keeping people out.  I mean…there are road blocks I’ve set up to keep people out. Not just road blocks… there are freaking moats and shit. I don’t want to give away any of my security secrets or anything but there may or may not be alligators in some of these moats… That shit is locked up tight. I am TERRIFIED of some fucktard getting into my insides *don’t be a pervo* and just running amok and fucking shit up. Once someone gets in there they can do a tremendous amount of damage and that’s scary as fuck! 

How am I supposed to know that I can trust someone to matter that much? How could I possibly know they aren’t going to just grab all my gooey insides a start playing “throw Shawn’s guts at the wall” or whatever? 

I’ve been hurt plenty. Enough to know I’m not going to literally die from a little heartache… Heartache isn’t even the thing that scares me the most now. NOW I’m afraid that I’m becoming so closed off and scarred up that I won’t be able to soften when the right person finally shows up… (Assuming of course that there is such a character as “the right person”…who even freaking knows…) 

So what the hell is the answer? Do I keep allowing myself to give a flying fuck about people or do I just shut down and give up? I know what I want but I’m starting to worry that with every disappointment I care just a little less… how much longer until I am unable to care at all?

The only answer I have been able to come up with is that I have to force myself to try. Each time I’m faced with disappointment I have to pick my toys up, pull myself together and head back out.  I just can’t imagine that shutting down could possibly be the answer. That won’t get me anywhere at all… except maybe one step closer to being the crazy ass cat lady (btw…anyone know of a cat hook up just in case? Haha… I’m mostly kidding)

There is a huge part of me that thinks I’m a little insane for putting all of my thoughts out in the universe in this blog but it might be one of the most cathartic things I’ve ever done.  I’d go bat shit crazy if I just kept letting all of my thoughts run circles in my head and trust me… I’m just about as crazy as I can handle already.

So, I guess that’s the plan. I’m going to keep at least some of the gates open and keep hoping that sooner or later (OMG SOONER ALREADY) I won’t have to wonder. I’m not giving up just yet. I can do this. Heart still open for business… I mean, the hours are iffy and our staff is kinda questionable but c’mon in… Tell your friends *your awesome, smarty pants friends only please…