You know what's fun? Going out with your "couple" friends as the only "party for 1". I mean, there is nothing quite like being the only single chick in a herd of couples... It's especially nice when they are all lovey dovey and crap. Good times. BUT what do you do when all of your freaking friends are married or in relationships? I'm not really trying to hang out with a bunch of kids in their 20's again. I've done that and don't get me wrong...it was shit tons o' fun but I just don't have that kind of energy anymore. I have to schedule in a hangover now... I need at least an entire day to recover. Not that I'm old (bitch I'll cut you if you call me old) but that just doesn't sound as fun as it used to. So I'm relegated to hanging out with freaking couples and shit. So I'm thinking if I'm gonna be the 5th freaking wheel anyway I need to make the most of it. So here is what I'm thinking I should do...
First of all I'm getting hammered. I probably could have left that out cuz HELLO... DUH! Of COURSE I'm going to get wasted... I JUST said I was going to be ALONE with a bunch of disgustingly cutesy couples. Let's just go ahead and check that shit off as DONE.
Since I've already established my excuse for being a fucktard (white girl wasted) I figure I need to just go balls to the wall and make the most of it so here is a list of shit I think Ima try:
1. Confuse other people by randomly hugging up on all of the people in my group. Guys...girls....whatev... I want people to be all like, "WTF is that shit about? Who is that hooker with? Is that a harem or what?" Yeah... I mean I'm not sure how the other folks in my party are going to take it and there is a distinct chance I might get punched but I'm drunk so I'm sure they'd just let it go. Maybe.
2. Just go stand in other groups and pretend I came with them and see how many people talk to me thinking I really am with them. This one isn't so weird. I'm pretty sure I've done this crap before and I have met some fun ass people but I'm going to add an extra degree of "WTF" by being really strange. I'll start bringing up weird stuff like it's something we're all in on until someone gets all stupid and then I'll just scream, "But you said you loved me and now you won't even tell me who gave you the herp!" To the guy standing closest to me. That should go over well... I'm sure of it.
3. Everything after this depends on how long I manage to evade getting my ass booted from the establishment...
4. I'm going to go up to at least one guy and just grab his junk. This one is actually a little scary because there are just too many reactions to prepare for. Some dudes might be into that and start wanting to talk to me and um... yeah... we'll just have to see about that... I'm sure some will be super offended and you know there is still the possibility of being punched but I'm really hoping to gauge the "girl punching" likelihood of my junk grabbing victim. I REALLY don't want to get punched. This one may or may not actually happen. I'll keep you posted.
5. I think I'll start winking at EVERYONE who walks by me. This one might actually get me a few free drinks (we can rest assured only the creepazoids will fall for that crap...story of my whole damn life) but I'm a little interested in the reactions of people. Normally I try not to make any eye contact at all if I can help it but fuck it... I'm going in.... Weirdo winker it is!
6. Dry humping. I'm not going to put limits on this one. I'm going to dry hump like a maniac. Anyone and everyone that strikes my fancy is getting dry humped. (This one might get me arrested but I'm sure if I explain to the authorities why I'm humping dryly they'd totally get it and provide me with security for future dry humping)
7. At this point I'm about 150% sure I will have forgotten my list of crazy chick moves and will be winging it. I'm SURE it will be awesome and freaking hilarious...or amazingly fucktarded and pathetic...whichever...
Wish me luck! I wonder if I'll meet the man of my dreams tonight? Well... with my luck I will but I'll scare him off by bringing my CA-RAZY. Whatevs... shit happens.
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