Let's all have a CRAPTASTIC DAY!

For the most part I think I’m a VERY tolerant person (I’m not talking about the “social conscience” kind of tolerant… unless putting up with dumbasses and assholes counts as “social conscience” tolerance). I can handle a fairly large amount of asswipe in my daily environment. I can excuse rudeness and inconsideration most of the time because I’ve convinced myself that for the most part people don’t realize how shitty they are and deep down they're really good people and crap… blah blah blah…

*MOST OF THE TIME*

Today is NOT one of those days…

“WHAT??”, you say??? “But Shawn, you’re ALWAYS so freaking delightful! You NEVER get cranky or lose your temper!”

I know… I know… it’s really hard to believe that anything could perterb me…
*AHEM… shut up before I throat punch you for your insolence!*

BUUUUUT, every once in a while I get pissy. Occasionally I want to throw shit at people and curse their mommas for giving birth to their stupid asses…

SOOOOO… I was thinking it’s only fair to warn people that today might be the day their life may be in jeopardy for being their regular, dipshit, asshole, stupid face selves.

The following is a list of things that normally don’t bother me (too terribly much) but just might send me into a homicidal rage on one of my “cranky days”:

1.       Parking across two spots close to the entrance because you think your super special car might get dinged… I can almost guarantee it WILL get dinged… just sayin…

2.       Telling me really long stories about things that don’t affect me nor interest me in the slightest while I’m trying to do something else. 

      You don’t feel well?

      You aren’t coming in to work?

      What’s your name?

      OK… WERE DONE HERE!

      I don’t need to know that your tummy is upset or that you were up all night sitting on the commode or that you already left me a message reciting your bathroom woes (BTW, I KNOW you already left me a message… I already heard this bullcrap but thanks so much for the encore). PLEASE DON’T tell me about your digestive issues or whatever is keeping you from work. You’re not coming in… aight… got it. We’re good.

3.       Asking stupid questions…. Normally I’m fine with people asking me silly questions… I mean I KNOW I can ask some dumbass questions but SOMETIMES it’s painful to keep my epically sarcastic responses at bay.  

      “Yes… You still have that guy on the timesheet you made a bazillion copies of… IT’S A COPY FUCKTARD!” .  (Yes I realize that isn’t so much sarcastic as blatantly mean but COME ON! I can’t tell you how many times this has happened… )

4.       Looking me in the eye when clearly you’re an abominable MORON!  I mean can’t you see I’m pissy today and you’re a big stupid face? (See what I mean? UGH!)

5.       Being overly cheery and upbeat. GAH! STOP THAT SHIT RIGHT NOW! Ima need you to dial the perkiness down about 10 notches.

6.       NOT anticipating what’s going to annoy me next. Why did you suggest DQ for lunch when you KNOW I’ll probably want something else?  BLECH!

7.       Beating me to the restroom and making me wait! I KNOW you KNEW I needed to go! What are you doing in there anyway? Giving yourself a perm? HURRY THE CRAP UP!

Ok… well now I’m getting all irritated and shit so I guess I’d better cut this rant short.

What have we learned from my tirade?  It BETTER be that Shawn is in mood so you better behave!

Ok… maybe I just need a nap…or a bathtub full of merlot…. One of you stupid faces better get on that!

Adventures in Jury Duty

Let me say first off ladies that although you do look super sexy all dressed up for court or whatever you're doing walking the streets of downtown... I wonder if those stilettos are REALLY the best choice for traipsing up and down the streets of Houston.  I have yet to see one single woman who doesn't look like she's cringing with EVERY step (yes, I can tell you're trying to hide it and put on your 'I wear stilettos on my morning jog' face but you're not pulling it off nearly as well as you think you are). If you absolutely MUST wear you're hooker...ahem.. I mean "fancy" shoes to walk blocks on end through the ridiculous Houston heat at least carry some flip flops. You KNOW you're gonna need them. Just sayin...

 OK... now back to my adventures in jury duty:

After braving downtown traffic and adeptly finding the correct parking garage (mostly by accident but whatev) and walking 2 blocks to the Jury Building we are greeted by a TWO BLOCK LINE! I'm not kidding... this isn't a freaking Justin Beiber concert... this is freaking JURY DUTY! TWO BLOCKS! Did I mention the line was TWO BLOCKS LONG? Well it was and I gotta say if it were raining I'm pretty sure they'd have lost this potential juror. Craziness! 

So we finally get to security where of course the barely qualified minimum wage earning security guards were enjoying what I assume is the ONE perk of the job and being terribly condescending and obnoxious to the herd of citizens thrilled to finally be in the AC. As I move up to partake in the dressing down and bare all of my possessions so that I may be allowed to perform my stupid civic duty I'm so proud cuz I'm ready... I've already removed my shoes and watch. I put my phone in the bowl and shoved my overstuffed purse through the x-ray machine... YES! I don't set off any alarms as I walk through the  metal detector! But wait.... where's my purse? That lady was definitely behind me... AH CRAP! So they have to dig now... apparently something in my purse looks like a pocket knife. OOPS! Seems as if I forgot to take my wine opener out... haha! Only me! At least I took my vibrator out! hahahahaha! JUST KIDDING FOLKS! 

Ok, so we make it down to the appropriate rooms and wait....
wait....
waiting...
waiting... 
As we wait, we can enjoy some fascinating reading on the monitor. Jury duty info... titillating.... Most of it was pretty dumb but I did find it amusing when it listed the "disqualifications"... It turns out that if you can't read or write then you can get out of jury duty. What I thought was funny, however, is that there was no audio for this. HELLO! CAN'T READ! AWESOME!

For the most part the entire thing was pretty stinking dull. Some chick started snoring... LOUD... She woke up when we all started laughing, I'm pretty sure she didn't realize why we were laughing but it was still pretty funny. Notice how low the bar on funny is? That's cuz it was BORING! I didn't even get called to go back. We just sat there for hours waiting... zzzzzzzzz

I swear next time I get a jury duty summons I'm going to INSIST on a really juicy trial! I mean Idk exactly how that works but I'm sure if I throw a big enough fit they HAVE to let me be on the jury... right?

Chicken Pox Rock!

So the new Nasonex commercial says "avoid contact with chicken pox or measles while using Nasonex"

What??? 

 I have to give up painful childhood diseases just to clear up my nasal allergies? I'm a rebel! I live on the edge! You can't fence me in Nasonex! I will dance with chicken pox and measles whenever I want! 

Are there people out there who would otherwise be looking to make contact with some swelled up chicken pox covered sicky? Do we really NEED our nasal spray to warn us about these things?

I swear the warnings on medicines are hysterical! One medicine promises to make you more attractive by giving you explosive diarrhea... Well maybe you're a little less fat but you still ain't gettin' a date Crappy Panties...

I mean I KNOW they put these warnings on there because some dumb ass was genuinely shocked and dismayed that they weren't warned that although, they look super cool smoking that cigarette, just MAYBE it's not the brightest idea to puff away while using gasoline to get the sticker off of the windshield. Of course there are those people that just loooove their McDonalds but simply don't understand why no one told them that consuming copious amounts of McDoubles would mcdouble their ass... WHO KNEW? Surely it's not their own fault... Must be the McMan's fault they're now a McFatty...

It's a pretty sad thing that grown ass people need to be warned, advised and "protected" into oblivion. Unfortunately dumbasses abound and MUST be forewarned NOT to ride on top of a moving vehicle through the car wash while playing on their laptop. 

I say we wrap newborns in bubble wrap as soon as their newly appointed lawyer finishes suing their mothers for that strenuous trip through the birth canal. I mean that hooker just pushed them out through that little bitty hole when they were SO much safer and happier where they were.... 

Oh well... Ima squirt my Nasonex now so if you're sporting the Pox we can't play together right now but just as soon as my allergies clear up I'm soooooo coming over for a chicken pox swap!

Regret is fo suckas!

There's a saying that in the end you don't regret the things you did... only the things you didn't.


Um... I beg to differ...


What about the time I drunkenly text-ed a guy ALL night? I totally regret THAT shit! (I'd fill you in on the retarded crap I sent but sober me couldn't bear it and deleted it all before I could peruse that hot mess). I'm sure it seemed freaking genius at the time... you know 2 margaritas and about 8 beers in genius...


There was this one time (well maybe more than once...) I thought that although I had absolutely NO balance I could TOTALLY dance.... um.... yeah... not so much. My ass and the ground have met on many an occasion...


I kinda regret thinking the bartender was working too slowly at my sister's wedding and hopping behind the bar and mixing my own drinks... BIG MISTAKE! HUGE! I sure wish I remembered the second half of that wedding... I heard it was tons o' fun...


How about that drunken fiasco at.....


hmmmm.... maybe there's a pattern here... NAW! I'm not an alcoholic... alcoholics go to meetings! JK! Although there are plenty of drunken adventures I wouldn't advertise on FB at least those are excusable with a "*hic*... well I was a little tipsy..."


I'm pretty sure there are plenty of things I wish I hadn't done that DON'T involve adult beverages... I'd say my marriage but there was most certainly some alcohol involved and I did get my super awesome kid out of it. We'll just call that a detour...


I guess there are a few things I regret NOT doing... I regret not finishing college (yet). I regret investing a shit ton of money on beer and partying and NOT spending it on something awesome like a trip to Europe... I could have thought that one out a little better but then again I was *hic* drinking a lot then...


I always kind of figured that the saying mainly applied to love... as in not telling the ones you love how much they mean to you, not following your heart for fear of being hurt... that kind of thing... Well Idk if that's really true. I think there are times that I plopped my guts out on the table for everyone to gawk at and looking back there a few times I kind of regret it... I mean WTF was I thinking? One dude was stinky... PEE-EWE! I swear I was half-retarded. Seriously...


BUUUUTTTT.... I guess there were a few instances that I still wonder about. Not that I'm pining away for anyone or that I don't believe that everything happens for a reason but of course there are some "what ifs"... Admittedly, if I really think about it most of those are clouded by time and rose colored glasses and if I try I could predict the demise of most of those relationships anyway... still tho...


Now that I'm older...ish... I try to think about stuff like that when I'm faced with choices. I really believe that following your heart (even tho my heart is kind of stupid sometimes) is almost always the best decision.


I guess in the end when you're all wrinkly and crap, sitting alone in your hover-chair sipping lava hot coffee and praying your Depends holds out, it would really suck to regret letting something possibly amazing slip away... I want some wrinkly old fart sitting right next me and I don't want to wait til my boobs are scraping the ground and my face looks like I left it in the bathtub too long to find my Depends buddy. So Ima wear my heart on my sleeve (well under my hoodie) and let the chips fall where they may.


Regret is fo suckas!