You know what I hate on Facebook?
Those crabby pants people who never have anything good in their lives... You know the ones that do nothing but whine and bitch about EVERY LITTLE BITTY THING! I mean, I know I can hide people and believe me... some people are hidden but I keep expecting them to have one interesting non-whiny thing to say. AND if you really feel like the rest of us care about how mistreated you are at least make it entertaining... don't tell us your boyfriend is a lying cheating bastard... tell us how you really found out. Did he give you the herp? Did you find some girls lipstick on his junk? I mean really... I might actually care about THAT.
You know what else I hate?
Those people who are sooooo freaking upbeat all the time... REALLY??? Come on... I'm not buying it. Surely you're not actually all that pumped to go to work on Monday... "LETS GET IT!!! I can't wait to take on this week!!!"... Seriously? No one is THAT excited about Monday... Either you're blowing smoke or... yeah... you're full of it. AND if you really are that super excited tell us why... are you plotting revenge on one of your co-workers? Did you spike the water cooler? Come on... you can tell me.
You know what else I hate?
I hate it when people put "OOOOHHHH I'm sooooo mad! I can't believe that just happened!!"... or some other similar type thing. You can't believe WHAT happened? What on earth are we supposed to be getting our panties in a wad about? If you really feel like whatever it is you're dealing with simply MUST be shared on facebook the for the love of all things holy tell us WTF it is! What is that about anyway? Are we supposed to be on the edge of our seats awaiting your next post to explain the tragedy? Seriously... if you aren't going to tell us what it is then DON'T TELL US! Really...
You know what else I hate?
Ok... I'm really not that much of a hater and for the most part I genuinely enjoy seeing peoples lives in one simple format... just think of the telephone calls and obligatory meetings facebook has saved us from. Sometimes I just want to comment on some peoples status' "How about we spice this mess up..." Of course I wouldn't do that because for one thing that's rude and also because I know I don't actually HAVE to read all of their stuff, I know how to hide... Plus I think I kind of enjoy it... even the whiny and upbeat crap. I DO NOT however enjoy the vague tragedies... seriously... that needs to stop.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
PLEASE don't be the guy who steals my drawers!
If you always do what you always did then you'll always get what you always got.
It sounds so simple but we do it all the time. What is THAT about? Every time something goes south whether it be a relationship or really pretty much anything we vow never to make the same mistakes again yet almost inevitably we end up in the same place.
That's how Einstein defined crazy... doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. That IS crazy!
I have friends who are always saying they want a boy to dote on them, to make them feel like the are the most important girl in the world but the second they find a boy that actually wants to do that they freak. WHY? Why can't we actually want what we want? What are we so scared of?
I have a theory: We only want the ones that don't want us.
That guy...the one that DOESN'T want me MUST be the the best one. I mean... if he doesn't like me he must have impeccable taste. "I WANT THAT GUY! The one that doesn't want me!".
We spend ridiculous amounts of time fretting about what we can do to make him realize that he really does want us. We pick apart every second, every sentence, every text... EVERYTHING... trying to "read between the lines". WHY? If he was into us we'd know about it. I think it's more than the thrill of the chase. I think we're just gluttons for punishment.
Sadly however any guy dumb enough to be into us must be an idiot..."What a loser! What kind of idiot thinks I'm that great? NO WAY! I don't want that dummy! LOOOOSSSSEEERRRR!"
How sad is that? We talk about how we love ourselves, girl power, yada yada yada but we honestly doubt why anyone would think WE are awesome. Maybe WE are the ones with the problem.... just sayin...
I think it's time to accept that there might be a boy out there who immediately thinks we're amazing. It might just be possible that someone who makes time to hang out with us, doesn't dodge phone calls (maybe even wants to talk to us A LOT) or says how cool he thinks we are isn't necessarily a crazy stalker with no life... it might just mean he thinks we're pretty neat and might want to get to know us better.
Of course there is still the risk we might find our old panties or used dental floss in his truck and then I'd suggest we might wanna reevaluate the "crazy stalker" notion BUT I think it's worth the risk to let somebody like us. I think we're pretty cool and I'm not sure why we doubt that someone else might think so too.
It sounds so simple but we do it all the time. What is THAT about? Every time something goes south whether it be a relationship or really pretty much anything we vow never to make the same mistakes again yet almost inevitably we end up in the same place.
That's how Einstein defined crazy... doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. That IS crazy!
I have friends who are always saying they want a boy to dote on them, to make them feel like the are the most important girl in the world but the second they find a boy that actually wants to do that they freak. WHY? Why can't we actually want what we want? What are we so scared of?
I have a theory: We only want the ones that don't want us.
That guy...the one that DOESN'T want me MUST be the the best one. I mean... if he doesn't like me he must have impeccable taste. "I WANT THAT GUY! The one that doesn't want me!".
We spend ridiculous amounts of time fretting about what we can do to make him realize that he really does want us. We pick apart every second, every sentence, every text... EVERYTHING... trying to "read between the lines". WHY? If he was into us we'd know about it. I think it's more than the thrill of the chase. I think we're just gluttons for punishment.
Sadly however any guy dumb enough to be into us must be an idiot..."What a loser! What kind of idiot thinks I'm that great? NO WAY! I don't want that dummy! LOOOOSSSSEEERRRR!"
How sad is that? We talk about how we love ourselves, girl power, yada yada yada but we honestly doubt why anyone would think WE are awesome. Maybe WE are the ones with the problem.... just sayin...
I think it's time to accept that there might be a boy out there who immediately thinks we're amazing. It might just be possible that someone who makes time to hang out with us, doesn't dodge phone calls (maybe even wants to talk to us A LOT) or says how cool he thinks we are isn't necessarily a crazy stalker with no life... it might just mean he thinks we're pretty neat and might want to get to know us better.
Of course there is still the risk we might find our old panties or used dental floss in his truck and then I'd suggest we might wanna reevaluate the "crazy stalker" notion BUT I think it's worth the risk to let somebody like us. I think we're pretty cool and I'm not sure why we doubt that someone else might think so too.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
I wanna be the Best One
I wanna be the best one... you know that ONE person. The one that even if something happens and you don't end up together you still wonder about and kind of wish you had held on to (cuz let's face it... at this age most of us are messed up and are apt to sabotage a good thing). Of course I'd prefer to end up with the "best one" but barring a miracle I want to BE the "best one" for at least one person.
I'm pretty sure that's just a little self serving and possibly selfish... I'm alright with that... If something goes wrong and things go to pot (hopefully not by my doing... well that's pretty unlikely since I'm flippin' perfect and crap) I want, at the very least be a regret.
I don't want to just be a little dot on the map of someone's life that's forgotten as soon as they make it to the next town. I sure as hell don't want to be the "OH THANK GOD I DODGED THAT BULLET" chick. I want to be the one that years down the road when they think of me I'm 10 lbs thinner, 30 IQ points higher and just a little awesomer than I actually was.
Not that I'm saying I want some poor soul to pine away wishing I hadn't gotten away.... I'm not proposing that everyone who crosses my path never recover from losing me... That would be awful. I just want a little mention in the obit... is that asking too much? Kidding! I mean unless you really wanna put me in there as the "love of your life"... I guess that wouldn't be so bad.
But seriously... I wanna mean something special to someone that meant something special to me... I wanna be the Best One.
I'm pretty sure that's just a little self serving and possibly selfish... I'm alright with that... If something goes wrong and things go to pot (hopefully not by my doing... well that's pretty unlikely since I'm flippin' perfect and crap) I want, at the very least be a regret.
I don't want to just be a little dot on the map of someone's life that's forgotten as soon as they make it to the next town. I sure as hell don't want to be the "OH THANK GOD I DODGED THAT BULLET" chick. I want to be the one that years down the road when they think of me I'm 10 lbs thinner, 30 IQ points higher and just a little awesomer than I actually was.
Not that I'm saying I want some poor soul to pine away wishing I hadn't gotten away.... I'm not proposing that everyone who crosses my path never recover from losing me... That would be awful. I just want a little mention in the obit... is that asking too much? Kidding! I mean unless you really wanna put me in there as the "love of your life"... I guess that wouldn't be so bad.
But seriously... I wanna mean something special to someone that meant something special to me... I wanna be the Best One.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
First Date Advice
Since I'm soooo clearly a dating icon I thought it would be cool of me to share some of my wisdom. I know it's tough dating these days so I'd love to help out those less fortunate than myself in the dating arena. Here are some of my helpful hints:
1. Be fashionably late... by this I mean 7 really means 9:15ish... they need to know your time is more important than theirs. Trust me boys dig it when you set them straight early.
2. Dress reeeaaalllyy slutty. You want their undivided attention and you're sure to get it if at least one of your nipples is precariously poised within the coverage of your transparentish blouse.
3. There's no such thing as too much perfume... french whore house, schmore house! Don't let him EVER forget your aroma!
4. Flirt with the waiter shamelessly. Everyone knows that men are pre-wired to fight for their lady and will appreciate that you're a hot commodity.
5. Talk incessantly. He really does want to know about your annoying co-worker's annoying habits. He'll be fascinated by you're in depth analysis of the Bachelor AND will be enthralled by how awful your last boyfriend's mother was (plus it's good for him to start getting the clue that YOU will be the head bitch and he should probably inform his mother accordingly).
6. Don't forget to let him know you're into him too.... tell him which pictures on his Facebook you liked and feel free to elaborate on your opinions of the shady looking girls posing next to him (of course they are probably hideous whores anyway), Show your outdoorsy side by pointing out that you noticed the type of bushes he has in his backyard (if he points out that you've never been to his house just change the subject). Let him know that your laid back enough to rough it in his "starter home" for the first year or so but you will expect a MUCH more posh residence ASAP once you're married. (The kids simply can't grow up in THAT neighborhood!)
7. Ask him questions... "Is THAT really the career choice you want to stick with or do you plan on getting a REAL job soon?", "Did you get your money back for that haircut?", "Is that a rental because your real car is in the shop or something?"... you know... get to know him....
8. Order something fancy. If you're unsure of what to order just choose the most expensive thing... they always price the best things the highest. That's how he'll know you're a quality lady...
9. It's perfectly acceptable to get a little tipsy. It shows that you're fun! I'd keep the throwing up at bay until the second date but a slight slur is cute.
10. Play innocent and just a little prudish when he drops you off. Let him walk you to the door, giggle (which should be easy since you're 5 wine glasses in)... tuck your nipple back into your demi-cup and say..."Good night". That's it... He's been eying your boobage all night and will DEFINITELY be calling for a second date in hopes of seeing more of you!
Go forth and date my pretties! I know this will help you get a second date! Now good night, I have to feed my cats and finish heating up my lean cuisine.
1. Be fashionably late... by this I mean 7 really means 9:15ish... they need to know your time is more important than theirs. Trust me boys dig it when you set them straight early.
2. Dress reeeaaalllyy slutty. You want their undivided attention and you're sure to get it if at least one of your nipples is precariously poised within the coverage of your transparentish blouse.
3. There's no such thing as too much perfume... french whore house, schmore house! Don't let him EVER forget your aroma!
4. Flirt with the waiter shamelessly. Everyone knows that men are pre-wired to fight for their lady and will appreciate that you're a hot commodity.
5. Talk incessantly. He really does want to know about your annoying co-worker's annoying habits. He'll be fascinated by you're in depth analysis of the Bachelor AND will be enthralled by how awful your last boyfriend's mother was (plus it's good for him to start getting the clue that YOU will be the head bitch and he should probably inform his mother accordingly).
6. Don't forget to let him know you're into him too.... tell him which pictures on his Facebook you liked and feel free to elaborate on your opinions of the shady looking girls posing next to him (of course they are probably hideous whores anyway), Show your outdoorsy side by pointing out that you noticed the type of bushes he has in his backyard (if he points out that you've never been to his house just change the subject). Let him know that your laid back enough to rough it in his "starter home" for the first year or so but you will expect a MUCH more posh residence ASAP once you're married. (The kids simply can't grow up in THAT neighborhood!)
7. Ask him questions... "Is THAT really the career choice you want to stick with or do you plan on getting a REAL job soon?", "Did you get your money back for that haircut?", "Is that a rental because your real car is in the shop or something?"... you know... get to know him....
8. Order something fancy. If you're unsure of what to order just choose the most expensive thing... they always price the best things the highest. That's how he'll know you're a quality lady...
9. It's perfectly acceptable to get a little tipsy. It shows that you're fun! I'd keep the throwing up at bay until the second date but a slight slur is cute.
10. Play innocent and just a little prudish when he drops you off. Let him walk you to the door, giggle (which should be easy since you're 5 wine glasses in)... tuck your nipple back into your demi-cup and say..."Good night". That's it... He's been eying your boobage all night and will DEFINITELY be calling for a second date in hopes of seeing more of you!
Go forth and date my pretties! I know this will help you get a second date! Now good night, I have to feed my cats and finish heating up my lean cuisine.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Lent
I'm not Catholic but I understand the point of Lent and have always thought that's something I could get on board with. I mean, the spiritual awareness and what not... it's a good thing. Well that is in theory... when it comes down to actually coming up with something I could live without for 40 freaking days it becomes less of a spiritual awakening and more of a "OH CRAP! Buuutttt I NEEEEEEED it!" sort of thing So I've been trying to think of something I could sacrifice that I would notice but not suffer extraodinarily without.
Of course there are the funny things like:
Cuban Cigars... I could give those up, no problem... but yeah... not so much in the way of sacrifice.
Sex... Easy... gave that up ages ago... stupid single mothering and crap gettin' in the way!
Eating my boogers... DUDE! I quit doing that in like 11th grade!
Then there are the things I could pretend I could give up but I already know I'll fail before I finish composing this post:
Facebook... yeah... Let's not pretend people... it ain't gonna happen.
TV... same. I mean, I might could give it up for a week MAYBE but 40 days? NU UH!
iphone... Let's just move along people... nothing to see here! Don't make me kill you!
Sarcasm... it's pretty much the only language I know.
Cheese... Sure I'd lose 75lbs but yeah... NO!
Make-up... That's really more of a public service. I wouldn't do that to those poor souls forced to look at THIS mug all day...
So were back to realistically trying to figure out what to give up... This is where I'm completely stumped. Isn't there like a time frame for these sacrifices? Catholics only don't eat meat on Friday during Lent right? I think there are some things I could give up most days as long as I can indulge once a week.
Ok... I'll decide by the end of the day but I think I know. I'll give up red meat (actually not that hard), candy (also not all that hard) and drum roll please.... red wine. EEK! That's gonna be rough... I think I can, I think I can...
Of course there are the funny things like:
Cuban Cigars... I could give those up, no problem... but yeah... not so much in the way of sacrifice.
Sex... Easy... gave that up ages ago... stupid single mothering and crap gettin' in the way!
Eating my boogers... DUDE! I quit doing that in like 11th grade!
Then there are the things I could pretend I could give up but I already know I'll fail before I finish composing this post:
Facebook... yeah... Let's not pretend people... it ain't gonna happen.
TV... same. I mean, I might could give it up for a week MAYBE but 40 days? NU UH!
iphone... Let's just move along people... nothing to see here! Don't make me kill you!
Sarcasm... it's pretty much the only language I know.
Cheese... Sure I'd lose 75lbs but yeah... NO!
Make-up... That's really more of a public service. I wouldn't do that to those poor souls forced to look at THIS mug all day...
So were back to realistically trying to figure out what to give up... This is where I'm completely stumped. Isn't there like a time frame for these sacrifices? Catholics only don't eat meat on Friday during Lent right? I think there are some things I could give up most days as long as I can indulge once a week.
Ok... I'll decide by the end of the day but I think I know. I'll give up red meat (actually not that hard), candy (also not all that hard) and drum roll please.... red wine. EEK! That's gonna be rough... I think I can, I think I can...
Monday, March 7, 2011
Damn! Practice... ah crap...
Ok... am I just the worst mother in the world? I always feel really inferior and kinda crummy when all my baseball/football/basketball etc parent friends get super excited about whichever season is current.
"OH SOOOOO EXCITED ABOUT BASEBALL PRACTICE TONIGHT!!! WHOO HOO!!! GO BLAHBLAH!"
Don't get me wrong... I want my kid to be involved in all this stuff and I love how excited he and the other kids get but PRACTICE? Are these parents really super excited to spend 2 hours of their evening after a long work day sitting at the field watching a bunch of kids play baseball? I get that it's good for the kids and that they are benefiting in more ways than one from sports and teamsmanship and blah blah blah but I wonder if I'm the only one who doesn't feel all the excitment. I mean, some of these parents aren't thinking "Damn, I could be at the grocery store..." or "Man, I could be starting dinner right now" or "Damn... I'm missing 30 Rock". Is it just me?
I wish I could be all gung ho and stuff but damn... I'm tired! I've been up since 4:45 AM and these 8 PM start times kinda suck!
Now I'm not saying that I'm the only one who's tired and that a lot of people don't do a lot more than I do to make the season go smoothly and I really do appreciate it I just want ONE PERSON to say "Damn! Practice... ah crap...." Is that asking too much?
"OH SOOOOO EXCITED ABOUT BASEBALL PRACTICE TONIGHT!!! WHOO HOO!!! GO BLAHBLAH!"
Don't get me wrong... I want my kid to be involved in all this stuff and I love how excited he and the other kids get but PRACTICE? Are these parents really super excited to spend 2 hours of their evening after a long work day sitting at the field watching a bunch of kids play baseball? I get that it's good for the kids and that they are benefiting in more ways than one from sports and teamsmanship and blah blah blah but I wonder if I'm the only one who doesn't feel all the excitment. I mean, some of these parents aren't thinking "Damn, I could be at the grocery store..." or "Man, I could be starting dinner right now" or "Damn... I'm missing 30 Rock". Is it just me?
I wish I could be all gung ho and stuff but damn... I'm tired! I've been up since 4:45 AM and these 8 PM start times kinda suck!
Now I'm not saying that I'm the only one who's tired and that a lot of people don't do a lot more than I do to make the season go smoothly and I really do appreciate it I just want ONE PERSON to say "Damn! Practice... ah crap...." Is that asking too much?
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
I DON'T want an amazing spectacularly happy life!
You know what's fun? You know what is awesome advice?
When people tell you "It'll happen when you least expect it" or "As soon as you stop looking you'll find what you're looking for".
WHAT??? REALLY???
So you're telling me the minute I abandon all hope and resign myself to a life of solitude I'll find my soul mate? I mean what is that? How the crap is that supposed to make me feel better? Isn't that like telling someone just as soon as you decide you're a lesbian you'll find the man of your dreams... Isn't that an Alanis Morrisette song? Ironic... Why yes.... that IS ironic!
So I guess the plan now is to NOT want what I want. Turns out THAT is how you get what you want... by NOT wanting it...
SOOOO... If anyone is paying attention I DON'T want a million dollars, I DON'T want an amazing Mediterranean vacation and I DON'T want to have Scarlett Johannson's body. I also don't want some boy to think I'm the coolest thing since sliced cheese (which by the way is pretty stinking cool)... OK... better make it two million dollars. I DON'T want FIVE million dollars.
When people tell you "It'll happen when you least expect it" or "As soon as you stop looking you'll find what you're looking for".
WHAT??? REALLY???
So you're telling me the minute I abandon all hope and resign myself to a life of solitude I'll find my soul mate? I mean what is that? How the crap is that supposed to make me feel better? Isn't that like telling someone just as soon as you decide you're a lesbian you'll find the man of your dreams... Isn't that an Alanis Morrisette song? Ironic... Why yes.... that IS ironic!
So I guess the plan now is to NOT want what I want. Turns out THAT is how you get what you want... by NOT wanting it...
SOOOO... If anyone is paying attention I DON'T want a million dollars, I DON'T want an amazing Mediterranean vacation and I DON'T want to have Scarlett Johannson's body. I also don't want some boy to think I'm the coolest thing since sliced cheese (which by the way is pretty stinking cool)... OK... better make it two million dollars. I DON'T want FIVE million dollars.
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