So there ya go...

So, my mom asked me why I (her child that never tells anyone her business or has any weird drama) started posting personal shit on a blog for the whole internet to enjoy... I had to stop for a second and think... Why DO I do that? I've asked myself the same thing a few times... it IS a little weird.

I'm really a pretty private person. Not that I have a lot of couth or that I'm too "classy" for that crap or whatever. I'm a hot effing mess but I'm not one of those chicks that has to blubber to all of her friends every time someone hurts her feelings. I don't need to sit around and analyze every little thing that happens. I just don't talk about that stuff. I think there are several reasons for that... First of all, I'm much better in text than I am in person. I jumble shit up and it comes out all goofy but when I'm typing I can edit that mess. I also think a big part of me doesn't want people to know what goes on in my messed up head but there is another super articulate part of me that NEEDS to get it out. I think somewhere deep down inside I'm a writer. I HAVE to write. I don't think I'm the most accomplished writer by any stretch. As a matter of fact, I'm punctuationaly challenged. Commas can suck it! BUT I still have shit in my head that needs to be out. I really think it's as simple as that.

I can also acknowledge that it's easier to flop my guts out on the table when no one is looking at me and making a weird face...that's a plus but I don't post for validation. I don't do it so someone will come give me a hug and crap either...Seriously... don't do that...I'm not all huggy and shit. I do think I want people to read this stuff and maybe understand me a little better. That would be kind of nice. I know there is a big fat gap between my thoughts and the perception of my actions. I'm an enigma but every once in a while I can articulate the crazy I have running around in my head well enough for someone to maybe understand a little... maybe...

I also don't want to talk too much about the people that may or may not be the subject of whatever it is I'm blogging about. I used to be really worried about how they would feel to star in one of my stories but it finally occurred to me that it's not about them anyway. It's about me. This whole thing is a way for me to figure my own shit out and sometimes the antagonist for a particular post might recognize themselves but for the record... that person is only playing a small part in MY story. Don't think for a second it's about anyone but me. Period. I'm not Taylor Swift... There won't be a hit song and shit so there's really no reason for anyone to get their panties all bunched up anyway... PLUS, if someone really wanted to come off well in a story they'd have behaved in the first place. Just sayin...

So, there you go mom. I'm just a weirdo that apparently wants other people to understand just how freaking weird I am I guess... yeah... Something like that... Aren't you glad I cleared all that up?

5th Wheel like a BOSS

You know what's fun? Going out with your "couple" friends as the only "party for 1". I mean, there is nothing quite like being the only single chick in a herd of couples... It's especially nice when they are all lovey dovey and crap. Good times. BUT what do you do when all of your freaking friends are married or in relationships? I'm not really trying to hang out with a bunch of kids in their 20's again. I've done that and don't get me wrong...it was shit tons o' fun but I just don't have that kind of energy anymore. I have to schedule in a hangover now... I need at least an entire day to recover. Not that I'm old (bitch I'll cut you if you call me old) but that just doesn't sound as fun as it used to. So I'm relegated to hanging out with freaking couples and shit. So I'm thinking if I'm gonna be the 5th freaking wheel anyway I need to make the most of it. So here is what I'm thinking I should do...

First of all I'm getting hammered. I probably could have left that out cuz HELLO... DUH! Of COURSE I'm going to get wasted... I JUST said I was going to be ALONE with a bunch of disgustingly cutesy couples. Let's just go ahead and check that shit off as DONE.

Since I've already established my excuse for being a fucktard (white girl wasted) I figure I need to just go balls to the wall and make the most of it so here is a list of shit I think Ima try:

1. Confuse other people by randomly hugging up on all of the people in my group. Guys...girls....whatev... I want people to be all like, "WTF is that shit about? Who is that hooker with? Is that a harem or what?" Yeah... I mean I'm not sure how the other folks in my party are going to take it and there is a distinct chance I might get punched but I'm drunk so I'm sure they'd just let it go. Maybe.

2. Just go stand in other groups and pretend I came with them and see how many people talk to me thinking I really am with them. This one isn't so weird. I'm pretty sure I've done this crap before and I have met some fun ass people but I'm going to add an extra degree of "WTF" by being really strange. I'll start bringing up weird stuff like it's something we're all in on until someone gets all stupid and then I'll just scream, "But you said you loved me and now you won't even tell me who gave you the herp!" To the guy standing closest to me. That should go over well... I'm sure of it.

3. Everything after this depends on how long I manage to evade getting my ass booted from the establishment...

4. I'm going to go up to at least one guy and just grab his junk. This one is actually a little scary because there are just too many reactions to prepare for. Some dudes might be into that and start wanting to talk to me and um... yeah... we'll just have to see about that... I'm sure some will be super offended and you know there is still the possibility of being punched but I'm really hoping to gauge the "girl punching" likelihood of my junk grabbing victim. I REALLY don't want to get punched. This one may or may not actually happen. I'll keep you posted.

5. I think I'll start winking at EVERYONE who walks by me. This one might actually get me a few free drinks (we can rest assured only the creepazoids will fall for that crap...story of my whole damn life) but I'm a little interested in the reactions of people. Normally I try not to make any eye contact at all if I can help it but fuck it... I'm going in.... Weirdo winker it is!

6. Dry humping. I'm not going to put limits on this one. I'm going to dry hump like a maniac. Anyone and everyone that strikes my fancy is getting dry humped. (This one might get me arrested but I'm sure if I explain to the authorities why I'm humping dryly they'd totally get it and provide me with security for future dry humping)

7. At this point I'm about 150% sure I will have forgotten my list of crazy chick moves and will be winging it. I'm SURE it will be awesome and freaking hilarious...or amazingly fucktarded and pathetic...whichever...

Wish me luck! I wonder if I'll meet the man of my dreams tonight? Well... with my luck I will but I'll scare him off by bringing my CA-RAZY. Whatevs... shit happens.

I speak dude

I’ve imparted some of my super helpful dating advice before. *I mean seriously… you should totally listen to me because I'm soooo together* and now, I’m thinking I should let you ladies in on a little “guy speak”. We’ve ALL heard the same shit and as females we tend to hear what we want to hear. Turns out dudes know that crap… They have created this whole other dialect and oh boy is it sneaky…

It’s possible I’m not completely right *of course I am* but here are a few gems I’ve managed to translate:

~ “She and I are just really great friends.” 

TRANSLATION: “We hooked up like freaking wild ass monkeys on multiple occasions but I soooo don’t want you to know that because that might significantly impair my ability to have more wild monkey sex with her.”

~“I haven’t kept track of how many women I’ve been with.”

TRANSLATION: “127 and I have a spreadsheet with graphs and tables and shit, which my friends and I joke about whilst trying to out-slut each other.”

~“Babe, I’d never touch that chick…she couldn’t even hold a candle to you.”

TRANSLATION: “Babe, I’d tear that bitch up and make sure I put that shit on my spreadsheet so all of my friends can get a kick out of it too. I’m a guy and she wants to get naked with me… pssshhh…”

~“I’m just not ready for a relationship.”

TRANSLATION: “I like you and all but there are just WAY too many chicks I haven’t banged and I’m not ready to give that up yet. I’d really prefer you not start banging other dudes until I’m sure I’m finished with you though.”

~”It’s hard for me to open up and let people in.”

TRANSLATION: “SHUT UP already… GAH! Why do we ALWAYS have to talk about feelings and crap?”

~”My ex was a crazy bitch.”

TRANSLATION: “Yeah… I fucked her up like a green bean sandwich by cheating and being an all around douchetard but then all of a sudden she turned into this psycho biznatch and stopped being my doormat… CA-RAZY!”

~”I’m not jealous of your guy friends.”

TRANSLATION: “I KNOW those dudes are ALL trying to get into your pants (I know this because I have chick friends and their pants are exactly where I want to be) and I’m going to make you so miserable every time they are around or you talk to them that you will eventually drop them. Also, you’re being irrationally jealous of my chick friends.”

~”It’s not you it’s me.”

 TRANSLATION: “Bitch… please… of COURSE it’s you but I’m a freaking coward and I’m afraid you might start crying or some shit if I tell you the truth and there is some other chick waiting on me…. Anyhoo… gotsta go.”

I’m sure there are more and there is a slight chance I’m off a bit on some of these but clearly I have shit aaaalllll figured out...I mean... really... this is as good a guess as any. Well, now that I’ve enlightened you all I guess it’s time for me to heat up my Lean Cuisine and get back to my porn…errrr… BOOK… I mean my book. What? “50 Shades of Grey” is a book! geeeeezzzz

How in HOLY HELL Will I Ever Know?

I have this theory that everyone who gets divorced always kind of knew it wouldn't last. Like there was some inkling from the get go that they chose to ignore because they were just soooo in love or whatever... Maybe "cold feet" is really your gut telling you to stop being a fucktard...

I've had this theory for as long as I can remember yet when I got married I actually had this conversation in my head...

Gut:  "Crap, I think we might be making a ginormous mistake..."

Heart: "Bitch, just shut up and do it!"

Gut: "You're soooo freaking stupid... you KNOW you're fucking up..."

Heart: "No, YOU SHUT UP! I looooove him....we'll work it out... he's only a lying, cheating fucktard a little..."

Gut: "Whatever, idiot."

END SCENE

Yeah... I screwed that shit all up. Oops...

So, here is what's messing me up now... I had someone ask me recently...

"Don't you want to just be sure? To just KNOW it's right..."

The question stumped me a little bit... I mean... Of COURSE I do. I want that more than anything but I just can't imagine really being sure. What if no one is ever sure?  I wonder if anyone just takes that next step and honestly feels confident that they aren't fucking up... How in holy hell could you possibly know that? What on earth would that feel like?

I think people who have never been burned might feel confident. I mean... if you've never been crushed then maybe you don't live in terror of having your heart crushed again. I would assume... I really  have no idea...

What about the rest of us though? How can anyone, after having their entire life yanked out from underneath them, ever trust that they won't be demolished again? How do you stop waiting for the other shoe to drop? Surely there are people out there who have found that peace... there HAS to be right? As I'm writing this I'm having genuine anxiety about it... I think I could find happiness with someone... I even think I could be "comfortable" with someone but what if I can NEVER be SURE? GAH!

The only thing I'm holding onto right now is that I've never allowed anyone to really see my soul. Honestly, my dipshit EX was my best friend and even though he turned out to be a fucktard of epic proportions I won't deny that we were best friends. I can't attest to what he felt but from my end we really did have a close relationship (well until he went batshit, whore bag, douchecanoe...whatev...) BUT he never touched my soul... I guess I was smart enough to keep him out of there. So, maybe if I can let someone really, REALLY see into me that deeply then I can find that certainty???

CAN I?

Well, now I'm having a small panic attack... FUCKITY FUCK FUCK!

How will I know that they have let me into their soul? How can I know that I really know anyone to their deepest darkest crevices...  Is that what other people have?

FUCK! I need a drink.

I usually end these things with some sort of lesson or resolution but shit... I'm flummoxed. Maybe THIS is the answer I need. Maybe this is the lesson I need to learn... Maybe THIS is what's holding me back from more...

Well... anyhoo... I think I'm going to see if I can find the answer at the bottom of a wine bottle for now. Seems like a reasonable place to start right?

Still Open for Business

Letting people in is scary as fuck.

I’m one of the worst when it comes to letting people in, even though it is far and away the thing I want most. I want someone to know me…not the “me” that everyone sees… the deep dark, secret me that very few people have ever seen. The problem with that is anyone who gets to see that part of me has to matter… Not just anyone gets that far. I make a point of keeping people out.  I mean…there are road blocks I’ve set up to keep people out. Not just road blocks… there are freaking moats and shit. I don’t want to give away any of my security secrets or anything but there may or may not be alligators in some of these moats… That shit is locked up tight. I am TERRIFIED of some fucktard getting into my insides *don’t be a pervo* and just running amok and fucking shit up. Once someone gets in there they can do a tremendous amount of damage and that’s scary as fuck! 

How am I supposed to know that I can trust someone to matter that much? How could I possibly know they aren’t going to just grab all my gooey insides a start playing “throw Shawn’s guts at the wall” or whatever? 

I’ve been hurt plenty. Enough to know I’m not going to literally die from a little heartache… Heartache isn’t even the thing that scares me the most now. NOW I’m afraid that I’m becoming so closed off and scarred up that I won’t be able to soften when the right person finally shows up… (Assuming of course that there is such a character as “the right person”…who even freaking knows…) 

So what the hell is the answer? Do I keep allowing myself to give a flying fuck about people or do I just shut down and give up? I know what I want but I’m starting to worry that with every disappointment I care just a little less… how much longer until I am unable to care at all?

The only answer I have been able to come up with is that I have to force myself to try. Each time I’m faced with disappointment I have to pick my toys up, pull myself together and head back out.  I just can’t imagine that shutting down could possibly be the answer. That won’t get me anywhere at all… except maybe one step closer to being the crazy ass cat lady (btw…anyone know of a cat hook up just in case? Haha… I’m mostly kidding)

There is a huge part of me that thinks I’m a little insane for putting all of my thoughts out in the universe in this blog but it might be one of the most cathartic things I’ve ever done.  I’d go bat shit crazy if I just kept letting all of my thoughts run circles in my head and trust me… I’m just about as crazy as I can handle already.

So, I guess that’s the plan. I’m going to keep at least some of the gates open and keep hoping that sooner or later (OMG SOONER ALREADY) I won’t have to wonder. I’m not giving up just yet. I can do this. Heart still open for business… I mean, the hours are iffy and our staff is kinda questionable but c’mon in… Tell your friends *your awesome, smarty pants friends only please…

Bring it!

“You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.” 

Well… it’s true. There are things you never imagined you’d have to go through…. I mean… I never imagined I’d have to live through the raging shitstorm I lived for about 4 years… but I did and you know what I realized?

You keep living. 

It’s that simple. You WILL keep going. Even when you feel like you couldn’t possibly go on… you do.

Even when you feel like you really could just give up and die right where you are… you don’t.

When you’ve had your guts ripped right out of your body, when you’re just sitting there wondering how it’s even possible to feel as awful as you do you somehow find a way to pick up your guts and push them back in… You hold them in no matter how badly it hurts. You find the strength to take that first step… even though it hurts like hell. You WILL move slowly. Every step WILL be excruciating but you keep taking them. There will be days that you can’t move at all…that’s ok. There will be a day that you take a step backwards…that’s ok. You just keep going. You hold your insides in and you just keep going.

Then suddenly you realize it doesn’t hurt as badly as it used to. You look down and see your wounds have almost healed. You turn around and realize how far you’ve managed to make it… You did it. There will be other hurts. Other people will come into your life and open the wounds you worked so hard to close but that’s ok. It’s nothing compared to what you’ve already been through. You push your guts back in again and just...keep…moving.

The scars won’t ever go away. That’s ok. It’s a battle wound. You can be proud of that scar. It made you the person you are. It might even hurt a little for a long time…that’s ok… It’s there to remind you of where you’ve been…and what you survived. 

Sometimes I stop and really think about how much I’ve been through and how I NEVER imagined I’d be fully intact on the other side… but I am. I’m even better off. It’s definitely not how I imagined my life at this point but HOLY CRAP! I made it! 

Some days I need to remind myself of that… Look what I’ve already survived… this is cake. I can do this. Bring it!

Saving you from your feelings

Some people are sooooo sensitive!

I’ve learned through the years and several pissy pants exchanges that some people take things WAY too personally and just don’t appreciate a helpful word. No matter how well intentioned or thoughtful the advice SOME PEOPLE will make a point of flying into a tizzy…

Here are a few things I’ve realized may be met with defensiveness and derision:

“You KNOW that’s REALLY fattening right?”

Nutritional information: People hardly ever appreciate it when I explain in detail why they don’t know how to eat. They think just because they’ve been eating the same crap their entire lives that they know what they’re doing… um… look at your ass… O, you can’t see the whole thing? That’s cuz you’re a FATTY!  Trust me… I know these things! *ahem* STOP LOOKING AT MY ASS! Do as I say, not as I do!

“OH honey…. WHAT ARE YOU WEARING???” (this is especially effective if the person is already out and couldn’t possibly change)

Fashion tips: Turns out some people actually think they look cute in WAY too tight clothes and NO bra… Yes… you may get lots of turned heads and even a few whistles but it doesn’t mean what you think it does… Yeah, people don’t really like to hear that either. I’m just trying to help… Look at me. I’m the epitome of fashionable… SHUT UP! YOU DON’T KNOW FASHION!

 “I wouldn’t worry about saving for college… your daughter will most definitely be knocked up and starring in a “Who’s my baby daddy” episode of Maury Povich WAY before she’s anywhere near graduating high school. THAT’S what you should be worried about.”

Child Predictions: I have yet to meet a parent who even nods a little “hey thanks” for my super insightful opinions on their children’s inevitable futures. Like it’s MY fault their kid is destined to be a hooker and/or drug dealing crack addicted hobo… I’m TRYING to help you help them… GEEZ! So ungrateful!

“EW! You smoke? You KNOW that’s bad for you don’t you? You KNOW it will age you super  fast right? I mean… look at your teeth already… GRODY!”

Cigarettes: Now this one I honestly don’t get… EVERYONE knows cigarettes are bad for you.. . it says so right on the box! It’s not like I yank the thing out of their mouths…anymore… On second thought keep smoking… I’ll just look younger by comparison…

"WTF is that smell? Here... lemme febreeze your funky ass... sit still! Stop fidgeting, you fucking smell like a rotten corpse!"

BO: I mean I really didn't think this one would be necessary but I swear there's this hooker on the radio that was flummoxed as to why this guy kept making retching sounds and weird faces in the car... I mean she DOESN'T wear deodorant and showers... wait for it... every OTHER day! WHAT??? You can't do both bitch... if you wanna forgo deodorant then you freaking double up on the showers! REALLY?!?! Come on!

This chick I work with calls it "Saving you from your feelings"... that thing where you tell loved ones something really terrible about themselves so someone else doesn't do it and hurt their feelings.... Because having your mom call you a big fatty is less hurtful than random strangers just pointing and laughing... haha! Either way people need to stop being titty babies. I mean... where is my thank you card? I just freaking "saved you from your feelings". I did you a favor... some people... soooo ungrateful!

Also, I'm perfect... I don't need any help at all... don't try and save me from my feelings... that would just be rude...