Things I say 800,000 times a day

Things I say 800,000 times a day:

1.       “Eight hundred thousand” - Why? Shit idk... Who knows why I do things…

2.       “STOP SCRATCHING!” - My poor baby has terrible eczema and despises lotion so his skin is always crazy inflamed… AND HE NEVER STOPS SCRATCHING!!! EVER!!!

3.       “You need some lotion. Did you put on your lotion? You need more lotion. Do I need to put on your lotion? I swear to God if you don’t put on your lotion I’m going to make you take a bath in it! GET OVER HERE! I’M GOING TO PUT ON YOUR LOTION!” – Don’t be jealous.

4.       “Holy crapballs!”- I just like the way it rolls off the tongue… it’s awesome… Say it with me… HOLY CRAPBALLS! Now wasn’t that fun?

5.       “I’m going to punch you in the face.” – Well some people just need me to punch them in the face. Don’t blame me…blame the fucktards that need the face punching…

6.       “Fucktard” – Cuz it’s a wonderful variation of my favorite word and sometimes people are fucktards.

7.       “Fuck” – Cuz fuck you, that’s why.

8.       “I’m gonna throat punch you!” – Once again… It’s not my fault. Sometimes people need to be throat punched.

9.       “Seriously?” – Cuz surely you’re kidding me with that bullshit… SERIOUSLY!

10.   “It’s naptime.” – Well…cuz it’s fucking naptime! DUR!

11.   “OMG!” – It’s just efficient and I mean really… OHEMGEE!

12.   “I wanna set that fucktard on fire!” – This is reserved for the most heinous of fucktards. Very few people evoke the desire to cast them into a fiery death but it certainly happens and quite possible 800,000 times a day (slight exaggeration).  

13.   “REALLY???” – Variation of “Seriously??” because I like to mix it up…

14.   “Get in the bathtub.” -  This most often precedes “Did you put on your lotion” and is repeated nearly as many times… once again… Don’t be jealous.

15.   “WHATTHEFUCK???”- Because for some crazy reason I am still astounded by peoples’ stupidity…

16.   “I freaking love that shit” – Cuz I actually do like a few things. It’s hardly ever the shit other people like but whatev… When I do like shit I “FREAKING” love it cuz well, it’s just more fun to throw around words like “freaking” and “fucking” but I try not to fucking overuse “fuck”. Some people are just fucking pussies about that shit! Hehehe…. I really do have a potty mouth huh? Oh well…

I just thought I’d share some of my everyday vernacular. Feel free to adopt some of my “Shawnisms”. Trust me…people fucking love that shit!

The Grinch Bitch

Christmas…. Why do we hate it?

I know it’s not really politically correct to admit it but most of us dread Christmas… don’t lie! I know you do. I mean, yeah… we “get” to go to parties and crap but ...UGH! People hardly ever get embarrasingly shitty at those things anymore... What's the fun in that? Fess up… its obligatory "Cheer and Merriment". And it’s super fun to find the money in your budget for all those extra guests… What's not to love about THAT?  Gee… I wonder what so-and-so’s girlfriend’s kid would want for Christmas… UGH! Why can’t I buy a big ol’ box of wine, slap a bow on that bitch and call it good?

You know what’s worse than regular Christmas? SINGLE Christmas… NOTHING is more miserable than being single on Christmas (well Valentines Day blows some pretty serious chunks but you can just go get hammered with your other single friends and have a good laugh at everyone’s inevitable walk of shame February 15^th…) but Christmas… CHRISTMAS you have to spend with your freaking family! Even if they don’t just come right out and say it you KNOW they are all looking at you sitting all by your lonesome opening your “single” gifts feeling sorry for you.

 “AWWW… poor Shawn… STILL all alone… will anyone EVER love her?”

What if you’re not single? What if you are in a new relationship? How fun are all those “so when are you kids gonna make it legit?” questions? Aren’t those super? Like what EVERY relationship needs for Christmas is awkward discomfort… I mean that’s what I was hoping for anyway….

How about all those damn kids??? Adults you can slide by with a name drawing or White Elephant but those freaking kids always expect shit! What are they contributing to MY Christmas? NOTHING! That’s what! I mean they’re cute and crap but that’s not gonna pay my credit card bill. AND… AND…How about that fat fucker taking all the credit for the shit I bought! I mean…why exactly do we play along with this? I’m working my tail off to make sure that big fatty gets all the credit for these top notch gifts! I can’t wait until I get to tell my kid, “UH…YEAH… all that crap you thought Santa brought… that was me! YOU’RE WELCOME! Now get in the kitchen and open mommy that nice merlot I’ve been saving for just this occasion!”

AND my FAVORITE Christmas tradition is the whole “X-MAS” fiasco. I actually feel guilty for typing “x-mas”. I mean I freaking shorten EVERYTHING else but apparently efficiency is a big fat no-no when it comes to a long ass word like Christmas. REALLY? Do people honestly think that this one short text is going to bring about the fall of Christianity? Is it really going to ruin Christmas? I’m not trying to “take Christ of Christmas”; I’m not taking a stab at any religion… I’m probably driving and texting. How’s about we just chill out a little with that mess? Pretty please?

Well… I don’t actually hate Xmas…er… Christmas… I just get a little cranky sometimes. I’d never actually tell my kid that either…I’m down with him believing in a just a little magic as long as he wants to. I’m pretty sure I’ve never told my mom that I know all about Santa (by that I mean I totally still believe in Santa, mom). I also mostly like my family and nothing makes me happier than watching a kid light up when they open their gifts. The box of wine thing I’m serious about though… I mean isn’t that what everyone wants for Christmas? It’s way better than a bunch of gifts from the Dollar Store right? Hell… I’ll even spring for the “Fancy” boxed wine!

MERRY FREAKING CHRISTMAS BITCHES!