Mullets.. unfortunate hair cut or the root of all evil?

Mullets… WHY???

Can someone please explain to me what on earth is supposed to be attractive about a mullet? I mean… business in the front, party in the back … Got it…

Uh... SHUT UP!

More like: jackass in the front, fucktard in the back…

I feel like mullets are like neck tattoos. You gotta commit. Surely the guy with the tattoo across his neck KNOWS he will be judged solely on his stupid ass tattoo… I’m pretty sure that’s the point. “Yeah… I look like a fucktard but in a “sexy” way”…except without the sexy.

I mean how many women are all like, “Check out that big hunk of man… I wanna braid that fine ass rat’s tail.”?

OR

“DAMN! Now there’s a man that don’t care bout havin’ no class or teeth… HAAAYYYY! I’d let him blacken my eye any day!”

Well…of course I’m making assumptions about the whole teeth thing (and the black eye thing too… whatev) but when I spot a mullet from across the room I pretty much assume the owner is probably missing at least a couple of molars. THAT’S what a mullet says to me… “I cut my own hair and you can bet your sweet ass I ain’t gonna trust no hoity toity dentist around these chompers neither. Toothbrush schmoothbrush”

I know there was a short period of time in the ‘80s when mullets were a socially acceptable “style” but the ‘80s also brought us neon clothes and Boy George… I feel like as fashion era the ‘80s were a ginoromous FAIL.

Aren’t mullets kind of dangerous too? I would think that there is a significant risk that you’re gonna get your hair tangled in the carnival ride you’re running or even get squirrel guts on it while you skin dinner… BLECH… Do they even make “manly” scrunchies? What would they be made of anyway? Tire rubber? Bike chains? IDK…

Let me qualify this by saying that my mother thinks mullets are sexy *hanging my head in shame* and that I know plenty of non- super white trashy, toothless, wife beating mulleteers… (that’s right… they shall heretofore be called “mulleteers”. I sooo enjoy making up words.) I don’t care how freaking sweet, smart and funny you are mullets are NOT attractive. You could even be flippin’ Brad Pitt but throw a mullet on that man and he might as well have maggots crawling out of his nose… ain’t happening.

It should be legal to carry around scissors for the sole purpose of cutting ill advised mullets off of mulleteers. They should even be required by law to thank me for the service. 

Since I’m totally removing mullets as an option I feel like I should make some suggestions for those poor souls that now find themselves in the position of having to find a new, less hideous hairstyle.

May I suggest:

Bald - this look is kinda sexy unless of course your head is fucked up. DO NOT attempt this look with a fucked up head! *I REPEAT! THIS LOOK ONLY WORKS WITH A NORMAL SHAPED HEAD!!!*

Surfer Dude – I personally think its hot when a guy can rock the “shaggy look”… not to be confused with the, “I can’t remember the last time I washed or brushed my hair” look. If you don’t think you can pull this look off you probably can’t. Do us all a favor and don’t bother. Moving along…

Military Man – This really isn’t my favorite look unless of course this haircut is attached to military uniform but I guess not everyone has one of those lying around… This hairstyle is pretty universal and it’s hard to go wrong with it. Just take your happy ass down to the barber and tell them you want it “high and tight” (or whatever the hell it is they say). It’s not really a fashion statement but if your previous hairstyle was a mullet then you are no longer allowed to make fashion statements with your hair. EVER.

If you’re wondering if maybe you need a new hairstyle I have a sure fire test for you. Reach back and touch your neck… if you encounter any hair where your neck should be then I am talking to you. GO NOW. GO GET A FREAKING HAIRCUT! Do not pass go do not collect your food stamps go directly to the barber and get that shit fixed!

Mkay? Thanks.

It'll be fun. You'll like it.

Why the frick do men and women speak two different languages? I mean… it’s not like we are raised in different countries… we all speak “English” yet somehow we never seem to understand one another. What the hell is that exactly?  Is it that we really think so differently that there is no common language to breach the barrier?

I don’t think so. I think that when it comes to relationship type stuff we are all so invested (or not) that any discussion about how the other feels is a personal attack. Even when it’s not… None of us is perfect yet we expect the other to think we are.

~How dare you complain that my laugh is obnoxious??? How do you not think I’m freaking perfect??? Shithead. ~

But in reality are we doing anyone any favors by not trying to understand how the other sees things? Shouldn’t we at least put the effort into seeing things from the other’s perspective? Sometimes we really ARE wrong. Sometimes our adorably charming laugh may sound a little like a hyena having a litter... whatev...Sometimes the person that has to deal with us the most is the first person to notice. I mean… maybe YOU think it’s delightfully cute when you fart right next to me while I’m trying to eat but I wanna puke right on your stinky ass… see… different perspectives.

Or how about when we don’t realize just how much the other person takes on themselves… Sure, there always seems to be enough toothpaste and toilet paper but just how did it get there? Fairies? NOPE… someone went to the store, bought said necessities and placed them right there within reach of the commode. Did you ever think to make sure there was enough paper to wipe your funky ass? Probably not… but someone did. YOU’RE WELCOME.

Most of us don’t really do things for the ones we love because we want a thank you note. We do it because we love the other person and we enjoy taking care of each other. RIGHT??? Ok, that being said sometimes we would still REALLY like to know that you freaking noticed.

~Gee honey, you do so much for me, can I do something to make your life easier too?~

Or…

~Sweetheart, I know you love picking up after me but would you mind if I did some things around the house too? I want to feel like I contribute something besides farting.~

OK… so maaayyybbbeee I’m being a little sarcastic (there’s a first time for everything…). I just wonder why when women say “would you mind helping out a little more” it means, “you’re a lazy piece of shit and you never do anything at all. I hate you”. I mean… I KNOW that’s not what we said and I KNOW that’s not what we meant. How did it turn into that?

Shut up… I’m telling you why!

It’s because we expect the other to think we are perfect. Apparently when we are in a relationship we all turn into saints…flawless, immaculate saints.

Of course I’m not perfect (shhhh, I really am) and it’s possible even I can be wrong. I mean there was that one time I thought I was wrong but it turned out I was mistaken… I wouldn’t really expect anyone to be so blinded by infatuation that they overlooked my flaws. That’s redonkulous! I want to be loved not only in spite of my flaws but even a little because of them. Isn’t that what we all want? For someone to see all of us? The good, the bad, the farty?

Sooooo in conclusion….

I HATE doing laundry. I want YOU to do it. I love you. The end.